Listen to this blog post on the Everything Belongs podcast here.

Like many people in my community, over the last few years I’ve been exploring my own neurodivergence and discovering a name for my eccentricities, particularities and the ways I organically “dance to the beat of my own drum.” Realizing I was neurodivergent helped me step off the hamster wheel of trying to “fix” myself, and boldly own my differences, needs and desires– because they aren’t a problem that needs fixing.

I am not a problem that needs fixing.

Many of my clients have named deeply relating to my experience with neurodivergence, and have asked how exactly I cater my life, relationships and business to the unique needs of my system! So today, I’m going to share all my favorite ways I radically own and meet my own needs in life, biz and relationships, some tools I use to stay organized, grounded and regulated, as well as some systems that allow me to save energy on what depletes me, focus on what I love and drop WAY less balls in life.

I can’t wait to get to that – but first I want to give a little background, because this is the first time I’m writing so candidly about this.

And that’s because I’ve been learning in private to own the brilliance of how my mind works, beyond the ableist ideas being defective as a result of being different.

Truthfully, I know my neurodivergence is the very thing that draws people towards me and my work.

I have heard my whole life how “different” and “unique” I am– and how I perplex people with my juxtaposition of traits. Sometimes this works against me, but in my work, which happens to also be my special interest, it’s a enormous asset!

Perhaps like you, I am highly sensitive and extremely intuitive. I struggled discerning why I felt so emotionally and energetically overwhelmed around others, when there was big change or when I was in a large group. … and I was bullied for being this way. I knew I was intelligent, but wondered why I seemed off pace with my peers most of my life. As a result of coping with all of this, I struggled to feel a place of belonging until I was almost 30. Much of that came as a result of healing internalized shame, and learning it was safe to be myself in my life.

Now, the reckoning with shame and unbelonging has helped me so deeply connect to the experience of each client sitting in front of me. I know what it’s like to feel like an outsider, and sometimes, to actually be one.

And, I now know how to alchemize this.

I know my killer memory and brilliant pattern recognition is why I’m so damn skilled at helping my clients get to the core of their pesky habits and support them to move energy fast… rather than spending years upon years in talk-therapy, merely circling around an issue.

Like so many of you, I, too, can feel the textures of people’s energy, can intuit what isn’t being said, and have what I used to call “prophetic and psychic” dreams on the regular. I am highly sensitive, which means I have extra sensory needs I must also tend to! Seeing and telling the truth is easy for me, which means I have to discern who is ready to go there with me, and who doesn’t have the capacity. I have HAD to live in a radical, culturally divergent way – some have called this brave, but…

When your brain and body tell you NO to the societal standard, it’s the only wise option.

Despite all these super-powers, I still thought if you knew I was neurodivergent, more specifically, autistic, that you wouldn’t trust me as much. I thought you’d think I was naming it to draw attention to myself or even following trendy online culture.

I felt the same way when I came out as queer. I thought maybe you’d buy into ableist stereotypes or think I was shit at my job because of my neurodivergence– even though I know it’s my biggest asset. I share this not because I need your reassurance, but because I know so many of you, too, have struggled naming and fully owning your differences and neurodivergence– which has meant masking, hiding your truth, being in work-environments, commitments, relationships and living situations that are simply mix-matched to your true needs.

And if you’re a woman, or a femme, chances are you received programming that further kept you from advocating for yourself, severing you even more deeply from your true needs.

It’s true: I have intuitively adapted to live in a way some consider “too much” and “selfish.”

I have learned to radically cater to my needs…

…and gratefully didn’t internalize some of the messages about what a woman is supposed to be like that my neurotypical beloveds did. Along with the setbacks neurodivergence presents, I also experience greater freedom as a result.

I used to try to defend this, or explain why I needed a different lifestyle, but through processing in therapy, years spent questioning the programming we are given, and looking at my family history, I’ve not only come to peace with how my neurodivergence requires me to live this way if I want to be well, but also now own that in honoring my truth and my body– I am living resistance to harmful paradigms BY not resisting myself.

To say it another way:

Giving into my neurodivergent experience by no longer resisting my needs, is how I resist a toxic culture.

I resist through nonresistance.

I resist through allowing my experience to be perfect as it is. Perfect as I am.

This is my aim in sharing today - that you, too, might allow your experience as it is– to live in non-resistance to yourself; neurodivergent or not.

So, what is neurodivergence?

To put it simply, having a neurodivergent brain simply means that your neurological functioning is divergent, atypical, viewed as abnormal or extreme from what is considered typical. For example, if there was a bell-curve on a test, those in the middle are the average, or typical. Those on either side of the curve, on the extremes, are divergent. This is neither positive nor negative, it’s simply different from the average.

I believe this is why so many of us neurodivergent folks struggle feeling like we belong, struggle keeping up with the standards of society, toxic capitalism and internalizing shame that something is wrong with us. We are trying to live according to the bell curve, but we actually are an exception– because the rules of the curve don't work for us.

This may be why we often find ourselves intuitively rebelling systemic and cultural norms… because we have to if we want to be well.

And you probably already know from living it, that denying your body’s true needs results in illness, dis-ease and suffering. Perhaps you’re living there now– feeling out of integrity with a rhythm and pace of life that would be more suitable for you.

You don’t have to be neurodivergent to give societal standards the middle finger, I just find the neurodivergent folks get there sooner, again, because we have to if we want to be well.

If you’re reading this, you probably want to be and feel well.

I believe vitality is our birthright.

And that choosing it is our responsibility– even within a culture where it is an exception to the rule.

So, I want to share with you a couple ways I choose my vitality while having a neurodivergent brain.

Because we are all so different, have different nervous systems, brains, bodies and lives, please take what feels right, apply, adapt and remember there is no one size fits all when it comes to a pace, lifestyle or tool

First and foremost you must develop a relationship with your body and non-resistance to your true nature.

To trust that your true nature is Good. You are not broken. Trying to fix yourself and override your body is the same thing as trying to control, or have power-over yourself. That is not right-relationship. Being in a healthy relationship with yourself and in conversation with your body is the key– no longer judging your needs but instead listening to your body with curiosity and compassion.

Life has caused us to judge, suppress and deny our needs, and it’s by developing a relationship with our body that we can begin to actually know what we need, and begin to meet our needs radically.

I’m going to outline here the tools and habits I practice to stay organized, grounded and regulated within my life, my relationships and my business.

I have a full podcast coming on health, so I’ll save many of my health and nervous system related practices and tools for that episode!

Starting with everyday life. Because I experience executive dysfunction, I often struggle switching tasks, transitioning from one mode to the next and have a difficult time doing tasks I’m not VERY interested in. I've discovered I drop a lot of balls without good systems, structures and routines in place– and can get overwhelmed with options, develop decision fatigue and even forget my basic human needs like eating.

In life, here is what supports me:

I automate as many bills as possible.
I have all my household staples on autoship; including supplements, toiletries, soaps and necessities.
I keep simple, basic habits like doing my tea practice, going to the gym and doing the same thing every night before bed as anchors and routines to avoid decision fatigue.
I keep nutritious snacks and easy to make food on hand (like cheese sticks, pre-made sushi from the grocery store, hummus, frozen tamales and fruit) for the days I get too into a creative project and forget to eat. Convenience is not the anthesis to health! That is wellness culture BS!
I over-couple errands and life-tasks with things I enjoy; like listening to audiobooks, getting boba tea or body-doubling and doing them with a friend. I also try to do these tasks in batches, so I don’t have to leave the house multiple times a day.
On busy weeks I order my groceries and pick them up instead of going in the store.
In my home I keep things very organized and beautiful, and everything has a home as to reduce visual noise and clutter which keeps me from distraction and overwhelm.
I often use noise canceling headphones and listen to the same song on repeat when I am working or on a mission to get tasks to get in the zone and stay there.
My inbox is organized and simple. I don't subscribe to many email newsletters, and actually read the ones I like. Keeping all sales type emails in my promotions folder also helps keep my inbox decluttered.
I put vitamins out next to my water filter so I have a visual cue to take them each morning, and use a pill organizer.
I use red lights, as well as lamps and mood-lighting in the evening to reduce sensory overload… plus this is just more beautiful in general!
I blow out my hair once a week so I don’t have to fix it any other day. Again, this reduces the tasks in my day, as well as decision fatigue.
I don’t wear clothes that make me uncomfortable. Especially what I call “oppressive pants.” Finding the few brands that look good on my body and are also comfortable was key.
As a high-energy person, I must move my body daily because I find I get anxiety if I don’t move stored energy.
I keep a “House” and “Personal” board in my task management system, Asana, with reminders on when to make doctors appointments, take out the trash weekly, get the gutters cleaned, treat the marble, etc. so I follow through on basic household things, schedule appointments and tend to life without having to remember all of it.
I leave my journal and the books I am reading in an obvious place so I remember to use it daily. When I put these things away, I forget about them for weeks at a time.
I put my purse and keys in the same place each time I enter the house so I don’t lose them.
I try and make sure everything in my home has a home. Even my fridge has a system so I don’t waste energy searching for things.

In relationships, here is what supports me:

I healed, and continue to heal, my codependency; which has caused me to override my body’s cues in relationships, over-give and fawn/people please. I find listening to my favorite books on this, like “Let Go Now: Embracing Detachment” once or twice a year also helps keep these concepts fresh in my mind.
I limit my time with people if I notice I feel exhausted after seeing them, and question why that might be. For example: Am I performing? Am I masking? Do I feel comfortable being myself around this person? Are there unclear expectations or resentments in the relationship?
I get curious about my relationships and limit my time with folks if I am experiencing dread towards, which is a sure sign of depletion and over-extension.
I don’t talk on the phone, and feel no obligation to keep up with text conversations. Instead I am deliberate when I have capacity to talk to someone and schedule a time to catch up with them.
I don't have friends that take my meeting of my own needs personally.
I make a practice of not over-explaining myself. Some people don’t want to understand. Not all people deserve my energy. My energy is not limitless.
I only have folks in inner circle who tell me truth, value the truth and can communicate clearly and respectfully. I don’t have folks in my inner circle who dehumanize others.
I will put reminders in my asana board, my task management system, or my calendar the moment I am invited to something, to remember to send a gift, card, or follow up with someone.
I do my yearly Visioning process, outline my values, inner circle needs and my desires in relationships so I am anchored in what my true needs, desires and preferences are.
I honor my boundaries to myself.

In business, here is what supports me:

I only work at 85% of my capacity for each day. I used to try and give 100%, and even 110% in work. I found this was creating so much depletion, I was over-giving unnecessarily, and had no left over energy for my life, and my enjoyment!
I segment my time! This is so big for me. I create HUGE chunks of time to delve into generalized topics. IE: admin, client replies, office hours, content creation, time where I am "home alone and resting", cleaning and errands. Basically anything I need to de-pressure so I feel like I can immerse myself into one thing and stop getting overwhelmed by all.the.things. that want my attention. Essentially I don’t multi-task. When I am working, I am working. When I am cleaning, I am cleaning. When I am cooking, I am cooking. When I am with clients, I’m fully with clients, and so on.
I only have notifications on for my partner. Everyone else is on do not disturb most of the time, and I receive no notifications from any social media app.
A few tips of mine for your inbox:

I use the “remind me at a later date” Gmail function to re-send myself an email at a future date so I can follow-up without having to remember or my inbox getting cluttered.
I also utilize the Gmail folders and organize all of the mail in my inbox when I am complete with it.
I have an auto-responder on, so everyone who emails me knows I am not in my inbox replying every day. People can usually expect a 72 hour reply time from me, and in my auto-response, I link to my team’s email, and popular information on my website to guide folks to the correct place.
I only respond to non-urgent emails once a week

I segment all my communication from clients into one place: Signal. I do no coaching in email or social media. Only Signal! I segment my team into a different place, Voxer, and friends in another, Text. That way I can be with one thing at a time, and be fully there when I drop in. I use Asana for all team and task/project management
I streamline how people pay me and use automated payment processes instead of invoices. My team uses Kajabi only, which allows for Paypal and credit card/debit card payments.
I use OneSec on my apps to prevent and slow down my social media use, which helps my brain not have the dopamine rush that keeps me distracted. I also plan all social media content one to two weeks in advance, and store it all in Planoly before posting so I am not glued to my phone or creating content in response to what I see on social media, but rather in response to Source, and what I want to be sharing from my integrity.
My team and I also use Asana for all of our task management and communication. All of our projects are outlined there, task by task, and/or SOP’s are linked there as well, so no one has to repeat themselves on HOW to do something, they can follow the step by step SOP. I am not the only neurodivergent person on my team, and this allows for less micromanaging, less needless communication and more deep work. Everyone is happier as a result.
I batch clients and calls on the same days, and do not attempt to do any other projects on these days so I don’t have to task-switch and can be fully immersed in one mode at a time. My clients will know I even have active office hours where I am live in Signal and coach, rather than check it periodically like I used to – which allows me to, once again, be fully there in the time segmented for it, then log off and focus on a different task, or my life.
Because I now have my own business, I make sure I am not in meetings before 11 am so I can meet my basic needs before orienting to the needs of others and bids for my attention from the outside. Once I get going focusing outward, it’s much harder to revoke that momentum, so I front-load my day with movement, self-care, writing/content creation and home-care.

These are but SOME of the tools and processes that help me– please take and adapt for what can work for you.

Hear what comes from underneath each of these ideas:

Permission to do it your way
Acknowledgement of your weaknesses and strengths
Building out your life to bolster your weaknesses with systems that allow you to focus on your interests and strengths
Asking for help
Setting up good systems so you can flow with your wild and brilliant mind
Catering your life to work FOR you, despite your current work, life or relational situation