SOVEREIGN LEADERSHIP: A new way to lead, sell, create and relate

SOVEREIGN LEADERSHIP: A NEW WAY TO LEAD, SELL, CREATE AND RELATE

When I asked this community a few weeks ago if they wanted to hear more about what I’ll call “the ick” I saw happening in the online business, self-help and spirituality world as the COVID-19 crisis hit, the responses were overwhelming.

We know manipulating people in times of crisis is shady, and there is no doubt about the integrity and desire to “get it right” in this community.

Your responses showed your integrity, desire to unlearn and learn a new way, your desire to lead, sell, share and give your magic to the world… all coupled with the fear that if you can’t “compete” with the big guys (like patriarchy) without using their tactics, like telling people what they need, using their fears and pain against them and proving yourself.

I started writing this by outlining all the manipulation tactics I was seeing...

Codependent tendencies, check.

Gaslighting, check.

Saviorism, check.

Contempt, check.

Shame, check.

Exploitation, check.

Placating, check.

CHECK. CHECK. CHECK.

Gang’s all here!!

But… simply being able to identify these tactics has only helped me so much on my own journey to liberation. It is important to see, AND it is important to heal and move into new ways.

Your personal sovereignty is actually the key to unhooking from these old ways.

That means that in order to no longer perpetuate marketing and spiritual practices steeped in exploitation, codependency and self-betrayal, we need examine the way we show up for others. (Are we showing up inauthentic, over-giving or asking others to self-betray?) I believe it’s self-trust, relating, and healing our own codependency that will have the most power of transformation in our life and work. It will be in having a willingness to explore our relationship with power, in forgiving ourselves, in forgiving others, and in being open to trying a new way that we will make it through.

And I know, because I know this community, that you are ready to learn and embody new ways. It’s what we do: reprogram our brains and live our lives rooted in true self-worth, power and wholeness.

That’s why as I share today...

I’m going to ask you to look at systems of oppression, and your place within them.
I’m going to ask you to look at ways you’ve experienced cycles of abuse, and perpetuated it.
I’m going to ask you to be gentle. I know you know shame doesn’t help bring liberation.
I’m going to ask you to root into your True Essence, who has gifts and magic to share with the world.
I’m going to ask you to do the work beyond reading over a checklist of do’s and don’ts.

This work will require your active participation and engagement. It’s healing work.

That way, no matter what marketing framework you learn or who you hire from here on out, you’ll bring your own inner resource of self-knowing, self-trust, radical relating, internal liberation and sovereignty to all you do.

Let’s liberate ourselves, our passions and our offerings so we can embody Sovereign Leadership.

Where it started…

I am not new to disregarding my whole internal compass in order to play follow the leader. I know what it’s like to be in a state of desperation and to look for a savior. I know what helpless, afraid, alone and anxious feels like.

Of course, that trickled into hiring mentors and selling from a place of inner insecurity.

As an ex-evangelical missionary, I was trained and versed in all the “right” things to say. I learned how to manipulate people’s intimate and sacred stories to show them they needed Jesus. I learned to manipulate my own to sell Jesus. I knew how to have all the facts, be well resourced and as the evangelicals say, “be ready to explain my faith” 1 Peter 3:15.

Because of my history and relational trauma, I showed up to most relationships putting others on pedestals, lowering myself beneath them.

A PAUSE TO UNDERSTAND THE HIERARCHY OF WORTHINESS:

This is the hierarchy of worthiness that creates contempt for self and others. It says some bodies are more worthy. People with certain kinds of lives are more worthy. These are the people to be like, to befriend, to replicate, to pretend to be.

It is this either/or model that puts your worthiness in a hierarchical test.

We are either winning big at life, or the fucking worst. We are either saving or needing a savior. We are right or wrong. We have a good body or a bad body.

“Worthy” and “unworthy” rule this kind of thinking. This either/or dichotomy is one of scarcity and fear.

And hot damn it’s seeped into the entrepreneurial, self-help and spiritual psyche just the same as it did in my evangelical church, with all male, cis, white leadership showing us all what true ‘power” meant.

Perpetually feeling less-than, I was not hearing or listening to my own intuition in exchange for the “right” way to be. I was well versed in self-betrayal through playing out the “fawn” trauma response. (More on “fawn” response later…)

This pattern of deep self-abandonment left me perpetually vulnerable to manipulation, coercion, exploitation and abusive dynamics for years. Healing and unhooking from others approval took time, but it IS possible. Not through a mental understanding of abuse and pathologizing our histories, but by breaking through the system we were raised in through waking up, healing, self-reflection and actually living into new ways.

Our system: fears the body’s wisdom, fears women, queer people, brown people, bodies with different abilities, feelings… and seeks to control them through manipulation, punishment programming and shame.

Liberation is the embodiment of a new way.

It looks like moving from the heart, and connection to the body and the earth. Trust of women, queer people, brown people, bodies with different abilities. No need to control because we hold one another in unconditional positive regard, relate to one another, have empathy and seek understanding instead of punishment.

We share our gifts and don’t put them on a hierarchy of worthiness.

We invest in others because we value them.

We circulate abundance because we know there is enough, not because we believe we aren’t enough.

We embody our power fully, knowing self-honoring is how we also honor our relationships.

This new way is possible when we learn deep self-trust and unhook from the programming of our culture.

Let’s take a quick look at some of the big ways we are, as my friend and teacher James-Olivia Chu Hillman says, living in “relational fuckery” and de-stigmatize these behaviors so we can choose a new way.

(Before you start reading these, take at least 5 seconds to pause, breathe and feet your feet. At any moment you’re overwhelmed, not breathing or in shame, remember to feel your feet again).

Manipulation

Manipulation is just another word for the way we influence others as an attempt to change their behavior or perception in some way using indirect and non-explicit tactics.

The ways in which we manipulate range from people-pleasing and being “nice” to get what we want, to using force, lying and being at the top of the hierarchy of power. In general, the way we manipulate has a lot to do with our relationship to current structures of power and privilege. In situations in which we perceive ourselves to have more power we may behave differently than in situations where we perceive ourselves to have less because the power dynamics have shifted.

Example: Someone may hit a child or use shame-based punishment when they have more power, use proving and over-giving or playing small to a peer where power dynamics are more equal, yet use people-pleasing and placating to their boss, where they feel they have less.

Manipulation is something we learn young to get our needs met.

The antidote: Developing deep self-trust, learning to know and meet our own needs, honoring our inner knowing and regarding others as sovereign, and capable of doing the same.

Fawn Response / Placating

The fawn response and placating are where I see most of my clients talking about “playing small” and not embodying their full shine out of fear of social repercussion. Placating is how we compromise our true desires in order to appease, calm or pacify another. The fawn response is a nervous system response that causes us to seek false connection based on pleasing another.

It looks like shifting personality and self-betraying to stay in connection and safe. It is a blend of survival, playing it safe and needing to connect. It can look like buddying up to someone whose approval we perceive ourselves to need, befriending and placating people we actually didn’t like, playing small, pretending not to know, letting others tell you who you are and what you want, all while our bodies say NO.

If this sounds like you please check out my boundaries ecourse for people-pleasers, it walks through all the basics of starting to live into healing with these patterns.

Placating and the fawn response are something we learn young to get our needs met.

The antidote: nervous system regulation, learning to know and meet our own needs, developing self-confidence and learning to set boundaries.

Contempt

This is a definition of contempt I am using from my friend Nic Strack. “Contempt: I know, perceive, and AM better than you. You are incompetent, fragile, and less than me.

It sounds like:

I know, do and am better than you. I discern, perceive and predict better than you. I strategize, navigate and process better than you. I know what's right for you (and you don’t). I care-take for you because you can’t take care of yourSelf. I read your mind. I can predict your responses to my behavior and assume whether or not you can “handle” it and I will make my choice based on that assumption. In order to hold those as true I must hold you as… fragile, incompetent, weak, inadequate, unable to handle yourSelf, generally worse or less than me.”

You can have contempt towards yourself, it looks exactly the same, except making yourself the one in which you perceive as less-than.

Contempt is something we learn young to get our needs met.

The antidote: Grace. Radical acceptance. Deprogramming from hierarchies of worthiness and regarding all humans as worthy and sovereign unto themselves.

Codependency

For the sake of this conversation we are going to look at codependency through the patterns it appears in. Dr. Nicole Lepera says “Codependency is the chronic neglect of self in order to gain approval, validation, or identity through another person.”

I see codependency (and contempt) in my clients often within their businesses, clients and instagram. It looks like an over-giving/over-working/lack of work boundaries/self-exploitation to the point of self-neglect in hopes to “prove” to their client/ideal client an image of worthy, intelligent, caring, etc. This can manifest as saviorism, which again, is contempt.

Codependency is something we learn in childhood to get our needs met.

The antidote: Reconnecting to your true self through healing the inner child, learning to know and meet our own needs, self-honoring, developing self-validation and learning new ways to relate.

Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a manipulative tool many of us are familiar with that causes people to question their own reality through denial and confusion. Rooted in contempt, it says, “no, I know better about you than you do. That’s not what happened, that’s just a story you’re telling yourself.”

In the coaching industry this can look like telling someone (instead of inquiring) in a vulnerable place that they have money blocks, invoking shame, telling them they are in victim consciousness if they can’t afford your offering.

In religious or spiritual circles it can look like telling people they don’t have the consciousness, understanding, or enlightenment enough to understand, and need to change, adopt a belief or resign their knowing, personal experience, critical thinking and intuition in order to be “right” belong or fit in.

Circular reasoning is often used to back up gaslighting. i.e. this is true because the bible says so, your experience of reality is incorrect/demonic/tainted/confused/wrong.

Being raised in a gaslighting dynamic, from the over-culture to medicine to your church to your family structure, being told what to believe against your body’s knowing, reason and facts causes a deep lack of self-trust and disconnection from our inner intuition and knowing.

Self-directed Gaslighting

When we are raised in environments where we are gaslit so often, we internalize the lack of self-trust and begin to do it to ourselves.

Self-gaslighting looks like having a gut intuition-- but not believing it, feeling a strong no, or knowing your truth-- but questioning yourself, often making yourself wrong or bad for feeling the “no” and perpetually working on yourself to “fix” the error in your thinking.

Because we control what we do not understand or trust, we gaslight our own bodies by depriving them of food when they are hungry, working out when our bodies want to rest, move towards situations that feel unsafe, lack boundaries and build resentments. Might our inner feelings and bodies be trying to tell us to listen??

It might sound like:

“Something feels off about this teacher, but everyone else seems to like them, what’s wrong with me?”
“I have debt and feel overwhelmed about making this purchase, but I don’t want to be in victim consciousness!”
“I am the issue. Again.”
“I’m making a bigger deal of this than necessary. It wasn’t that bad.”
“I’m probably remembering it wrong.”

Overlooking and not seeing gaslighting is something we learn in childhood to get our needs met. Perpetuating gaslighting is something we learn in childhood to get our needs met.

The antidote: Developing deep self-trust. This will support us to hire advisors, coaches, therapists, consultants and collaborate with their expertise, our own critical mind, our self-trust and build businesses, lives and live our purpose from a place of deep inner integrity.

Emotional Manipulation through Exploitation

I like to call this the bait and switch, because it uses emotional intelligence and looks like caring, deep listening and relating, but sees people as content, sales and numbers, not humans. It appears as though a relationship is being formed, trust is being built, but that trust is artificial and is built by preying on and hitting deep seeded pains, traumas and desires of the person in a more vulnerable place.

At a bar it might look like: (True story, by the way).

“Hey love, I see you’re alone, are you okay? Can I buy you a drink and keep you company?”

“Oh, thanks but no thank you, I don’t want a drink”

“Wow, are you sure? You seem really upset and defensive, are you sure you’re okay? I’m just trying to help…”

“I’m fine, no thank you.”

“You seem to have some serious walls up, do you have emotional intimacy problems??”

In a bar, it feels gross and obvious. But this is what I see happening all the time in online communities and religious conversations. It knows the pain points. It knows the self-help and therapeutic lingo, (but isn’t congruent in actually living it). It has emotional intelligence. It relates through trauma stories. But it is not the same thing as knowing, relating and heart-centered sales. (Because knowing your ideal client and selling what you have to offer is NOT manipulative!)

Why is this different? — Because it comes from contempt, assumes and imposes fear, beliefs, and digs at pain as a way to get a desired outcome. It’s a power play that appears to say, “we are the same, we are equals… but you actually need me.”

Please listen to this gorgeous interview between Conscious Strategist Ash Johns and Julie Parker, CEO of BYCA Coaching Academy to hear them talk about marketing to your ideal client from a place of compassion, conviction and courage. No need to hook into and trigger pain to induce an emotional response based in scarcity! You can share your offerings and gifts with the world from a place of deep integrity.

We learn emotional manipulation through exploitation as children to get our needs met.

The antidote: Developing deep self-trust, processing our own shame, clarity on who we are, what we offer and regarding others as sovereign, capable to do the same.

Although my point was not to create an exhaustive list of abusive dynamics or marketing tactics, it was important to me to demystify why so many of my clients feel they are in an endless loop of impostor complex when it comes to sharing their work, fear of showing up and owning their power while at the same time handing over their power to other leaders, and are constantly frustrated in their work and leadership. I’ve been there too and know that the programming that normalizes these behaviors and mindsets will never allow us to feel the deep true power, connection, self-belonging, integrity, joy, trust, liberation and aliveness we really want to both live into and share through our work.

Deeper work must be done.

This isn’t “marketing” work, it’s the deprogramming inner work that begins with grace towards ourselves, and then ripples out into all areas of our lives.

Now, what do you want? (Let the fun begin!)

I want a world where people buy what I have to sell because it’s valuable, not because I’ve convinced them they want my life or because they are desperate and I’ve made them feel like I have every answer to solve their pain!

I also want a world where when people bring their internalized contempt to me, who WANT me to save them and WANT to place me on a pedestal I don’t have to pick up what is not mine. No thanks. I’m done playing the savior game.

I want a world where I can trust my clients. Where I hold others in unconditional dignity and respect their power.

I want to believe people know what is right for them, and hold them in sovereignty.

I want to remember people’s wholeness, even when they forget.

I want a world of trust, consent and right-relationship.

I want to celebrate when others know what is best for them!

I want to offer my work, share my beliefs and do it from conviction, congruence and integrity.

I want a world where self-worth is the assumption, and there is no hierarchy of worthiness.

I want a world where we trust women.

As marketers.

As coaches.

As feelers.

As artists.

As service-based businesses.

As spiritual folks.

As mothers.

As the owners of their bodies.

As evangelicals and ex-evangelicals and beyond.

What if we trusted women? What if we trusted our work? What if we trusted our bodies? What if we trusted our intuition? What if we trusted ourselves?

Might we no longer need to convince others of their brokenness or stay attached to our own pain? Might we no longer need to exploit every part of our lives, or brand ourselves into perfection with juuuust enough vulnerability to be relatable, in order to live in financial freedom? Might we no longer need to be the “only one” doing a “never before seen” sensationalized 5-step-method in order to prove our worth and place in the hierarchy to our followers? Aren’t we tired? Aren’t we tired of all the convincing, carrying, over-giving and fear based relating we are doing?

I am.

I am ready for a new way.

For me it looks like living and operating from what I call Sovereign Leadership, which is centered in the values listed below.

Let’s strip back from blame and shame and fault. We have been steeped in this, yes, but we can do it a new way.

We have all taken part, all of us have perpetuated these cycles in some ways. All of us have been spoon fed saviorism, consumerism and contempt since we started breathing.

This is a call, for anyone with something to say, create, sell, teach or preach, to take a pause and ask:

WHAT DO I WANT?

At the end of the day, at the end of your career, what do you want?

Let’s lay down the burden of all the people we’ve been trying to carry, convince, coerce, and control. Let’s stop being consumed and consuming others. Let’s choose to see ourselves and one another in a new way.

What would a new way look like to you? What do you want?

FOR YOUR FURTHER REFLECTION:

If I chose not to pick up shame or self-contempt, what kind of world might I experience?
In the world I want to create, what values do I want to live, sell, and spend by?
In the world I want to create, I ask for advice, teaching and coaching from people who…
In the world I want to create, people buy my offerings because…
In the world I want to create, my gift matters because…
In the world I want to create, I am powerful because…
What does “integrity” mean to me?
Who/what gets power and benefits from my oppression, shame and doubt?
Who do I think of myself as less than? Who am I trying to convince?
Who do I see myself as better than? Why? Who taught me that?
What do I feel in my body when reading what this person is saying?
If I didn’t have to be the best, perfect or know it all, how might I be a better leader?
What do I want? (What is my deepest desire?)

Let us remember that this is not about getting it right, shaming ourselves or another burden to pile on. It’s a call to a newer way, a truer way of being. One that centers your wholeness, worth and power. One that makes your deepest desire possible. One that we can live into together.

And for my loves who are still trying to “get it all right” remember this is an unfolding process: KEEP SHOWING UP FOR YOUR WORK, CREATIVITY AND GIFTS! Don’t wait to share until it’s all just right. Trust yourself. Use discernment. Take what you can hold, root into what you want and start there. Leave shame at the door and let a deeper awareness of what you don’t want ground you further into what you DO want.

You’ve got this.

Here’s a poem I wrote while in the process of writing this post:

“I don’t want to share steps today.
I don’t want my freedom
Consumed.
Judged.
Stripped back into tips for another,
Convincing
All to point you to
What you’ll always have to look
Within to find.

I am no savior.
I am no guru.
I don’t want to be judged... nor
Exalted
Or praised
For living as any human should have
The freedom to
Choose.

I just want to breathe,
And to point to your own
Remembering.
I don’t have the answers you
Search for
I only have my own
Remembrance.
And the reminder that
You, too
Can remember.

I can point you to freedom.
I can break it down
Give you the outline
That might help spark
The flame.

But at the end of the day
I can carry,
Convince
Coerce
Not a soul.
It’s your path
To choose.
Your dance
To dance. ”

— on marketing in the new way

I hope this serves you as you continue to explore what sharing your gift, beliefs and offerings to the world looks like from a place of wholeness, worth and power.

Let’s dance the dance of freedom and see who joins us.

XO -Madison

P.S. My 9-month mentorship experience, Rising Sovereign is starting to take applications for our summer intake.

If you’re a leader, creative, creative, healer or visionary who wants to deeply embody their sovereignty and take their lives, relationships and work both deeper and higher, please apply now. This is an inside job, but you never have to do it alone.

apply now

MY FAVORITE RESOURCES AND TEACHERS FOR YOUR FURTHER EXPLORATION:

Sovereignty, Thriving Relationships, Dream Chasing, LeadershipMadison MorriganApril 15, 2020sovereignty, leadership, new way, manipulation, gaslighting, abuse2 Comments