When Being "Unproblematic" Becomes a Problem
TLDR: There’s a free workshop coming up and I’ve reserved a seat just for you. Plus, I’ve been trying so hard to be unproblematic that I created ample problems for myself.
Read on to get the full scoop.
Have you ever diluted your truth to appease another person? If so, I’ve got a story for you.
Last week a beloved client of mine (someone I’ve worked with for 5 years now) reflected to me that my work on social media doesn’t at all reflect the depth and potency of our client work together. Although I wasn’t surprised by her comment (because I feel it too), I took this feedback to heart. And truthfully, I know why the disparity exists. I made it that way.
I got so caught up trying to be “unproblematic” on the internet that I about dismantled the very life that lights me up.
Yes, I want my work and life to uplift people. I am highly sensitive to the way my words impact those around me. I am continually desiring to unlearn how I have internalized narratives that cause harm.
I. Care. So. Fucking. Much.
This is a sensitivity I actually love about myself. But sometimes this desire for everyone to be well, happy and free gets distorted and begins to take the shape of managing others’ experience. AKA: hiding my true expression.
My value of sensitivity often feels at odds with my value of liberated self-expression.
Can you relate?
Reflecting back over the last few years of sharing my work online, I notice how all the “muchness” I’d worked hard to reclaim from shame in my life began being whittled back down to nothing.
I became skeptical of my own innocent desires to feel vital, serve, and live well.
Fearful about publicly celebrating buying a home on my own, with no partner or generational wealth. (Something I’m very proud of myself for).
I was worried I might offend someone as my business grew, and my resources became abundant.
Caught up in the discourse of social justice and wellness, I began watering myself down, editing myself, keeping the parts of my life I love (and my more prickly opinions) to myself– where they couldn’t be picked apart by the internet.
Some of this is rooted in wisdom. Not everyone needs to be privy to my private life and evolving opinions. I learned to be a better guardian of my privacy.
And– a lot of it was rooted in fear.
Afraid if I loved my work and served with excellence, I was just perpetuating hustle culture.
Afraid if I was ambitious, I was just enacting toxic capitalism.
Afraid if I wanted to feel strong and vital, I didn’t love my body as she was.
Afraid if I wanted a big impact, I was actually just self-obsessed and Ego driven.
Afraid if I cultivated a beautiful home, I was somehow keeping others from having their own.
I was operating from so much fear, and calling it “care.”
Those of us with ample “muchness” know this all too well:
Watering ourselves down.
Diluting our potency.
Minimizing our ambitions.
Wanting less.
Being less.
Sharing less.
Becoming less.
We know from experience that simply living in our own skin is a threat to those who are afraid of being seen.
So our Ego tells us we have 2 options:
1- we can live free and shine bright, make waves, risk rejection and judgment, or…
2- get small, make ourselves dull, keep the waters calm and belong with our peers.
If I’m honest with you, shining never scared me much. What scared me was others’ reactions.
Feeling like I was bad because others felt bad and projected that onto me. An old codependent belief that it was my job to reconcile others' feelings about my shine. (Over-responsibility… which is just the deranged belief that I even have control over others' perceptions).
Quite frankly, I am sick of being beholden to this pattern.
I am sick of diminishing my authentic expression, worried the impact of my truth might be *uncomfy* to witness.
I am sick of hiding the parts of my life that might cause a colleague, client, or beloved to feel some type of way, and calling that “leadership.”
I am sick of “holding space” for others as they tell me they once “hated my dance videos” or “thought I was fake until they knew me” or “were sooooo intimidated by me at first.” I simply don’t have to subject myself to this emotional violence anymore.
I am so. fucking. sick. of reconciling the space between who I am and what others think– so sick of the constant vigilance this requires.
I am sick of pretending I am not lit up, turned on by, and paid well for the work I do.
I am sick of side-eyeing my own motives to move my body and eat well. I simply love feeling good.
I’m sick of judging my own positive attitude and resilience because people in the “trauma space” say I’m bypassing reality if I’m not in constant grief.
I once called this kind of diminishment “leadership.” I called this being thoughtful and tactful. But diminishing yourself and hiding your light is not woke.
It’s a joke to think we can eliminate ourselves to create liberation for all.
And by the way… the hungry opinions of “rightness” are never satisfied. The internet will always have trolls. Someone will always disagree. As you grow, the marker of “goodness” endlessly moves.
And God-Damn, is it even living integrity to be swayed by every critique!? Changing to appease every onlooker? I think not.
I don’t know about you but my integrity comes from within.
My care is non-negotiable.
It’s my work to live by my values.
And their feelings are not my responsibility.
This is Sovereign Leadership. Care & integrity. Service & self-expression. Ambition & devotion.
If you’re resonating and desire to lean into your own Sovereign Leadership, this is the work I do inside Rising Sovereign– my 8-month group coaching intensive that begins March 1.
We will remove those pesky stories, ancient interesting ideas, and half-hearted habits that keep you from your fullness, and replace them with the truth of your “muchness” and a full-bellied YES for the liberated life you’re creating.
I’d love to chat with you one on one if you’re curious about it, so feel free to hit reply and ask me anything, or apply right here.
Cheers to your muchness, xo
Madison
P.S. if you want a place to test all this out and create your own integrity-filled Sovereignty Roadmap, I have a free 2-hour workshop on Feb 5 and I’d love to see you there.
What is it? Rise Higher, Root Deeper: Where a leadership workshop meets ceremonial magic ;)
When? Sunday Feb 5 at 5:30pm EST, 4:30pm CST, 2:30pm PST. Recording available for registrants.
What will we be doing? During this free 2-hour ceremonial journey I will combine ritual, coaching, energy practices, journaling prompts, and simple invitations to embodiment to create a holistic, practical, and grounded way to reconnect to your Sovereign Leadership.
It’s gonna be so fucking good.
