Your True Identity | Breaking free of Narcissistic Abuse and Reclaiming your Sovereignty
Listen to this blog post in audio form on the Everything Belongs Podcast, here.
In my 20’s I found myself in a string of relationships rife with narcissism. At the time, the online space wasn’t nearly as narcissism-obsessed, so the language just wasn’t there.
I didn’t know how to name or share my experience with others clearly.
What I knew then was this:
I didn’t trust myself…. At all.
I was terrified something was wrong with me, and constantly working to “fix” myself.
I over-shared constantly and suffered from intense social anxiety.
I found myself time and time again in relationships with strange power dynamics, full of backhanded compliments, and I often wondered why I was “attracting” these people in my life.
It felt like even the people in my life I loved being around like my clients and friends were “taking” from me– a sense of extraction I couldn’t quite pinpoint.
I thought I was an empath! I could sense others' emotions and become whatever was needed to meet the demand of the situation. While this has some flavors of being a superpower, and highly sensitive, I was wobbly– like a ping pong ball bounced around by the feelings, desires and whims of others. I didn’t know myself. I couldn’t seem to access the internal sense of direction everyone else seemed to have. I felt wildly out of integrity.
Do you at all relate?
I now have the language to name the truth of it:
The “empathic” feelings, and the strings of expectation I was experiencing were actually something called enmeshment– defined as a codependent system in which there is the illusion of connection and love, but there is no authentic connection, no autonomy, and no true choice. Enmeshment is a system (be it relational or cultural) where two or more people operate as one unit, rather than sovereign and interdependent individuals.
The people-pleasing was a trauma response called Fawning– a nervous system response, not a conscious choice I was making to self-abandon.
Those backhanded compliments? That's an abuse tactic called “negging” where unkind comments are meant to undermine a person's self-esteem so much so that they become more easily manipulated.
I was never taught or modeled healthy boundaries.
The narcissistic abuse in my childhood, in the church and in our culture of patriarchy and white supremacy set me up to have no sense of personal identity, and to not only let others define me, but to live for their approval.
The feeling of “something being wrong with me” had a name, and the name is SHAME– a pervasive sense that we are, as Irene Lyon calls it, “Bad meat” or a sense that we are Essentially Wrong - a severance from our true nature (which is inherently Good, joyful and free).
Now, I find a lot of people relating to my experience who have not encountered the same kinds of abuses I have, and this is why: Those who have experienced any kind of abuse or enmeshment – be it familial, spiritual, institutional or cultural– eventually become disconnected from their True Identity.
And this…THIS, is the crux of it.
The disenfranchisement from the True Self, the confusion around Your Truth - this is what needs restoration.
Yes, you can, and I did, become an expert in clear communication, naming and owning your needs, taking responsibility for your life and setting boundaries. You can unlearn people-pleasing habits and unwind from codependency… but without reconnecting with your True Essence, these remain habits you have to consciously think about, rather than the overflow of someone deeply rooted in their center of gravity.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with developing these habits, in fact, they are essential– but they do not mend the loss of identity, the muddled haze and confusion, the self gaslighting at the core.
If we don't know how to access our Sovereign Truth, the ability to be an individuated self with an individual truth– to see the Truth clearly, to trust the Truth… no amount of boundaries or “watching out” for red flags or podcasts about narcissists, or instagram posts about dismantling the patriarchy will be enough.
In my 10 years of active healing from these internalized systems, I’ve realized this:
If I don’t know myself, and can't access my truth, I will end up (and did end up) in these toxic cycles, perpetually.
Outsourcing my wisdom.
Outsourcing my validation.
Following “leaders” without discernment.
Confused about who I am
Willing to accept the Truth of others.
This impacted my life from my romantic relationships all the way to my business and social media presence.
I think the mistake most people make is believing that narcissism, (and the systems of abuse like the patriarchy that are inherently narcissistic) is simply selfishness and grandiosity.
But those of us who have experienced it and unbound ourselves from it’s grip know it’s actually—
1- a deliberate and slow fracturing of your sense of self-- leaving you with no connection to an identity of your own and a VERY fragile Ego, an underdeveloped Self.
2- an extractive relationship– one of being sourced from for narcissistic supply. (We can see this in the patriarchy’s extraction of the feminine, and toxic capitalism’s extraction from the earth and people’s life force).
Access to inner wisdom is severed.
Access to your Essence and goodness is severed.
Access to what is True is distorted.
And access to your center is inverted— the narcissist, or the system, is now the center.
You become a servant of the very thing harming you. (Anyone else experiencing this with social media? Or their work? Or their religious institution? Interesting isn’t it!? Once you see it, you cannot unsee it)
From this place Self-Betrayal becomes your strongest intuitive sense.
THIS is why re-gaining access to your True Identity, and developing a strong sense of self-sovereignty is vital in not only healthy relationships, but healthy businesses, healthy spirituality and a healthy future for our planet.
Sovereignty means I belong to myself.
If you’re somewhere in this journey, I have a prayer and spell for you so you too can begin unhooking from the grips of it, and regain access to your True Identity– Good. Free. Joyful.
Say it with me:
I remember and am remembering who I Am.
I know who I Am.
I am the Truth.
I know the Truth.
I see the Truth.
I speak the Truth.
I live from Truth.
Now that I Know, no one can take this away from me.
I am Rooted. Centered inside myself. And I Rise.
From here you can live your Sovereign Leadership— first as the leader of your own life. You belong to you.
And I want you to know, un-doing this pattern has been a grueling process. Seeing the ways I have betrayed myself as a result have brought grief, tears and anger.
I’ve had to take responsibility for the ways I have perpetually self abandoned, and reprogrammed my nervous system to center MYSELF. To belong to MYSELF. To reconnect to, and believe I am a “self” at all.
The Truth is now my highest guide. Guarding the goodness of my heart, my highest priority. Living from my center is how I now move.
It hasn’t been easy. At all.
But it’s been 100% worth it.
All the years, all the tears— I’d trade none of it for this Freedom, and this Knowing of who I Really Am.
I pray, no matter your history, that you too may find yourself Sovereign, Whole and Free.
If you’re looking for a process that will support you to live, move and lead from your Sovereignty– anchored in your True Identity, I invite you to reach out about Rising Sovereign- my 5th annual 8 Month leadership Circle devoted to seeing you rise while being anchored in your own center of gravity.
We begin March 1, 2023.
You can click the link to apply, or head to my instagram account and send me a direct message. Either way, really I look forward to hearing from you.
As my Grandmother Rose would say, Talk at you later!
xo,
Madison
