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Have you ever heard of Gottman’s The Four Horsemen of relationships?

They are the tell-tale signs a relationship is in the trouble-zone. Dr. John Gottman is a psychologist who claims he can predict the probability of divorce in couples based on the prevalence of these 4 horseman alone.

Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling.

Of course, the Horseman is a metaphor borrowed from the New Testament book of Revelation, an end times prophecy. The Apocalypse. So we can gather when the horseman are present, the “the end is near.”

Bleak. As. Fuck.

And yet, in all my relationships these 4 horseman seem to be pretty spot on in terms of when and how the relationship spiraled to the place of no return.

It got me wondering….

What might the horseman of leadership, joy and creativity be? What might be the first predictions of someone nearing burnout and creative depletion?

And if we are to spot them early enough, like all habits of emotion and behavior, might we be able to do something about them before they create apocalyptic conditions in our spirit!?

As a leadership coach, I get to study habits, patterns and strategies for success. I am lucky to be intimate with not only my own creative process, but privy to dozens upon dozens of high-performing professionals, healers and seekers all aiming to make some sort of difference, make some sort of change, and leave the world better than they found it.

I consider myself honored to be trusted with the innermost thoughts of these brilliant folks, so up-close to what makes them tick, what causes them to get stuck– what patterns, habits, beliefs and wounds keep them from truly making the impact they long to, and what liberates them to their full self-expression.

As a coach, the skill is learning to uncovering these patterns in SUCH a loving, curious, playful and non-judgmental way– that the client is THRILLED to see them. I do this primarily through powerful and mind-bending questions, deadpan humor and grace– because I know these patterns all too well myself.

Over the years I’ve been keeping track of the most pesky beliefs, the most detrimental habits that indicate burnout and a dampened spirit are on the horizon, as well as what to immediately STOP doing to shift the energy.

Today I’m going to name them loud and clear for you!

I offer you, after 9 years of investigating, and hundreds of clients, these are what I observe to be–

The 5 horsemen of your creativity, leadership and joy

1- Perfectionism–

As a high performer, you must know perfectionism is NOT excellence. Perfection is NOT taking responsibility. Perfectionism is NOT having high standards– it’s having God-like expectations and it’s a set-up for disappointment every time.

Here are a few signs Perfectionism is grinding your spirit down to the bone:

You believe you need to be fully healed to whole-heartedly be of service.
You are trying to be original all the time.
You are waiting until you know enough to get started and take the first step.
You often find yourself criticizing and judging yourself for being where you are, or comparing yourself with people 10 years ahead of you on the path.
You have to be the best, or else it’s not worth it.
You are solely results focused– as opposed to process-focused.
You are refusing, or forgetting, to pause and celebrate small victories, improvements and wins.
You’re trying to get it all right, be completely unproblematic, excavate all your trauma and programming before it’s safe to show up.
You’re not trusting yourself to make a mistake and repair.
You don’t allow yourself to have hobbies, or do creative things just for fun.
You’re abandoning yourself to perform an image you (or others) deem as perfect, or more “right” than you are now.

My favorite way to deflate my own perfectionism is to do an out-loud performative dramatic reading of my expectations for myself.

I first make a list of ALL my God-like, unrealistic expectations, and the beliefs my ego spouts if I am not able to attain them.

It sounds like this: “If I cannot have 1 million podcast downloads in a year, NO ONE cares about this show!! I am boring. I am not smart! I am the worst coach in THE ENTIRE WORLD!!!”

The key here is letting yourself be as dramatic as the stories really are.

2- Self-Importance–

A pesky one, because we all do it. When it’s out of balance, it looks different for different people too. Some people look somber, sullen and downtrodden when feeling self-important. “Woe is me” is their motto and life is happening to them. Other people seem obviously self-important, (and not in a confident and secure way). Grandiose and expectant, they believe life should please them 100% of the time– and not because they have ample inner peace, but because they have SO LITTLE peace inside they try to control everything and don’t mind their business.

Most of us are both. YAY US!!

If self-importance has taken over your unconscious thoughts and actions… it’s likely you are:

Taking it all too seriously. Taking yourself too seriously.
You may be throwing constant value-judgments: Filtering the world through “if it pleases me, it’s good. If it doesn’t, it’s bad.”
You could be letting your mood, as opposed to higher aim and values, determine your actions— which keeps you perpetually putting out fires instead of being agile and resilient to life.
It’s likely you’ll have an all-or-nothing attitude. IE: “I’m either the best, or a total failure. They either love everything I create, or they are rejecting me. Life is either good or bad.” All are predicated on the external world delivering specific results– results to our exact liking– for us to be happy, joyful and free. This is a prison of spirit!
Oh and the yummy paradox of worth! It sounds like “ I am so unworthy of being seen, celebrated and accepted as I am! Everyone belongs, sure. But I am the exception!” Sneaky, right? I know this one well. “Special me, I’m the worst!!” is just as detrimental as “special me, I’m the best” because it separates us from our human family!
Similarly, the belief that we are either “above” OR “below” self-promotion, putting our work out there and sharing our work. (Note the above/below, black/white Ego dynamic going on!)
You’re playing God… by believing you have to do and be it all– it’s all up to you to “make it happen.” Damn, this one exhausts the shit out of me!
You’re overcomplicating it because there is an association that hard stuff = valuable stuff.

My personal favorite antidote to my Ego’s endless self-importance is surrendering to my higher power. Be it in prayer, in a simple ritual or moment in meditation, taking time to remember the vastness of life, ask for help from the universe, and admit you can’t do it all on your own.

Anne Lamott’s prayer “help, thanks, wow” is a wonderful place to begin. A request for help. An honoring of gratitude. And awe, wonder and worship. All restore our right sized-ness in the universe, and all offer so much relief from the tyranny of the beliefs and patterns that can dizzy us up!

3- Magical Thinking–

Dammit. As a spiritual being with a tendency towards magical thinking I hate to admit how often this gets in my way– and in the way of my clients! A short story:

A few years ago, I spent months… no, I spent YEARS looking for a sign to divorce my husband. I was praying, doing ceremonies, drawing cards, asking mentors. I was hospitalized with hives multiple times as I was searching and seeking and wondering and hoping for a clear answer… I never received one obvious enough to me. So I stayed, begrudgingly. Eventually, I fell in love with my yoga teacher– a woman, my friend, WHILE I WAS MARRIED. I was honest with my husband and did my best to navigate this with integrity… but it was too late. I’d already violated my inner knowing that the marriage was over, I’d already given my power away to “little signs” from the universe and advice from mentors, and I was already in love with someone else.

Instead of listening to the sign inside my own body, I outsourced my knowing to magic, and let my shadow guide my choices.

The reality is: I wanted a divorce. I was queer. And because I was in denial of both and looking for some external, magical sign, I made things much harder than necessary.

So… how else might magical thinking be throwing you off your game?

Do you have delusions of “Arriving”? Be it aiming to “arrive” at some mystical place in the future where all suffering ceases, or arrive in success or arrive at some place where Ego is eradicated and relational issues are no longer? this keeps us forever seeking and searching, in constant fixing mode, completely disconnected from reality, and the goodness available here now. (There is a reason some wait for heaven for liberation, and some experience liberation now).
Perhaps you’re trying to manifest a perfect, easy life where nothing bad happens (and if it does, it means you’re doing something wrong/are wrong) – this is superstition. You can believe life is happening FOR you without beating yourself up for life simply LIFING.
You’re waiting for the “perfect timing” to start, to invest, to learn, to begin– despite feeling the knowing and trusting the simple fact THAT YOU WANT TO RIGHT NOW. Ask: How will you know when the timing is perfect? If it were already perfect, how would you know?
You’re aiming for Mountain Top Experiences.

Be it in love, in business, in family, in spirituality– so many are waiting for a “peak” experience, or are waiting to re-experience a peak emotional state to prove to them they are on the right path. Similar to external signs, these are novel internal chemical experiences– not to be mistaken with intuition or ease. These moments do happen, just like signs from the universe and answers to prayers do, but they are pure grace– not to be sought as proof of enlightenment, as proof of making it, or as real love. Peak experiences come and go, devotion and ritual in the mundane is where the magic is.

You’re disregarding the truth and getting caught up in fantastical thinking.

This can show up in many areas! I know it does for me. It can look like not self promoting, trusting the universe will take care of finding the right clients on your behalf. Or confusing the love you have for another as a sign they have emotional availability. Or perhaps there is something you desire, but you don’t have the actual capacity (be it energetically or financially) to see it through/ In this case, the right next action would be to build capacity, rather than plowing forward and increasing the likelihood of burnout and stress.

The truth of magical thinking is this– action and surrender. I believe and practice manifestation magic, but it requires we listen to the truths we already know and show up for our dreams in consistent, doable bits.

4- Over-Consumption, No Integration–

Dammit, this one gets me good. I’m a lover of learning, as are 99% of my clientele. A fast processor myself, I have been known to listen to 4 and 5 podcasts A DAY and not feel mentally drained. And while this can be really beneficial, it can also be a red flag when paired with lack of integration.

What does this look like when it’s a yellow flag and a sign to slow your roll?

You’re over-consuming the content of those in your industry– (and over-consuming content and information in general) and you’re starting to compare, feel uninspired or internally clogged, eventually unable to hear your own voice!

It’s good to learn, study and devote yourself to learning more– and at some point knowing when your body has had enough, putting the info down and letting life be your inspiration.

You’re all work, no play. This is an easy mistake… but trying harder, especially when you’re tired has an inverse effect on retention and creativity. Pausing, napping and taking a break to go LIVE and PLAY will undoubtedly produce the ah-ha moment you’re looking for by digging in your heels! In fact, if you’re up against feeling “stuck” or unable to bring all your ideas to one cohesive body of work, chances are you don’t need to try harder or learn more… you probably need a hobby, a night out with friends or a vacation!!
You’re intaking Constant education, with no room to integrate that info in your actual life! I see this all the time with the nerdy brainiacs I coach– they have taken every course, know all about nervous system health, have a PHD, (or two), read all the books on spirituality and listen to all the podcasts about business– they can spout off all the facts and support others out the wazoo… but their own ability to implement, apply and embody the tools they learn about is bleak.
You’re seeing your mentors, coaches and teachers as someone you solely learn and receive from, instead of a relationship with a living, breathing human. It can be easy to pedestal people who we learn from, but when we jump from coach to coach, teacher to teacher, collecting methods and ideas without integration, we will have a lot of info without the relational container to apply it all. Integration often looks like depth mentorship, sans education. It often looks like relationship. It looks like letting yourself live, take action and develop small, doable habits before hustling along to the next lesson.

For me, reminding myself to move slower really helps. Lately I’ve also been doing an end of the day and end of the week review– tracking how I am showing up, what works for me and what doesn’t. Consistently when I’m foggy, uncreative and lacking joy, it’s due to moving too fast and over-consuming!

5- Meaning-Making-

And finally, our last horseman! Meaning making. Storytelling. Mind reading. Projecting. Aren’t all of these things SO fun, until they aren’t!?

I love elaborate stories. Like the kinds I tell when someone doesn't reply to my vulnerable text for a few days, or when someone seems “off” and I make it mean they are mad at me, or when my partner is just *existing* but I think they aren’t okay, because I haven’t checked in with my own heart, and I am, in fact, NOT OKAY.

Relate?

Unchecked, this brain of ours is a meaning making machine, and when we arent in right relationship to it, it’s perhaps the most annoying, most damaging horsemen of all!!

You’ll know you’re meaning making when -

You’re projecting– which simply means rather than seeing myself clearly, and seeing things as they are, being ignorant to your own inner state and instead projecting it outward. The tricky thing is, we rarely know we are doing it, and it takes a LOT of work to see inside ourselves. To me, the ability to see your own and others’ projections is THE KEY to joy and sovereign leadership. Projection looks like:

Being attracted to someone outside your relationship, but being suspicious your partner is cheating.
Asking “are you okay??” When you are, in fact, not okay.
Thinking someone is rejecting you, or doesnt like you, because YOU don’t like THEM.

You’re forgetting to question your assumptions– leading to meaning being made an cognitive biases and distortions running the show– often from ancient history and filters you did not consciously choose! Which means, when we let assumptions run the show, we let our most repetitive, most childlike, most ego-driven and often most traumatized state filter out reality and tell us what is happening… see how this may be problematic?
You’re judging others. Comparison. Jealousy. Side-Eyeing Others – all of these are how we make meaning of shit that is not our business. What they think about you? Their relationship to you? Their motive for showing up online how they do? All of this is leaky boundaries, my friend! Tighten up that ship and mind your business– I promise you’ll have so much more joy, creativity and potent leadership as a result!!

My favorite ways to work with my own meaning making are to run my stories through a list of questions by Byron Katie:

Is this thought true?

Can I absolutely know it is true?

What also helps is asking: is this even my business? And “what do I need right now?”

I PROMISE YOU - if you work with your 5 horsemen as you observe them in your own life, your creativity, your joy and your leadership will COME ALIVE.

If left unchecked, which I don’t recommend but is totally your choice to make, you might find yourself strung out, sour and sad for reasons not even grounded in reality.

Because as displeasing as reality can be, the stories we tell and the distortions we live from make shit much, much harder!

PHEW!

Wasn’t that fun!? I love learning and remembering where I’m making shit so much harder than it has to be– so I can tell the truth sooner and get free faster.

Now remember, these 5 horseman isn’t a weapon to hurt yourself with– so put down any shame, self-blame or guilt if you’ve fallen into any of these pesky habits. That’s precisely what the horseman are, pesky habits we can unlearn and keep in check.

In the place of any self-judgment, try saying, “welp, there I go again!”

Free up some space around these habits, offer yourself a chance to choose again. It takes practice, but it’s certainly possible and 100% worth doing.

Now, I’d love to know– what horseman do you find yourself wrestling with the most right now? How is that impacting you? Please come tell me in my instagram DM’s, or leave a review here on the show and let me know. I adore hearing from you.

And if you want to take this exploration further, I’d love to extend an invitation to you to join the Rising Sovereign Leadership Circle– an 8 month mentorship experience with me that will not only address each of these pesky horseman, but will also equip you with the tools, mindset, habits and community to take up all your space, unabashedly. To trust what you know both humbly and confidently, and express your true self– the one who is joyous, liberated and free– with ease (even in the midst of life).

Book a convo with me about it – or go to madisonmorrigan.com/rising-sovereign to apply now.

And as my grandmother rose would say, “Talk at you soon.”

xo,

Madison