Emails 1-5 are below—
Email 1
“Know this, when you start dancing you’ll be better equipped for what comes next.”
THE WISDOM OF THE FOOL
When, exactly did you lose the vibrancy and innocence of your heart? The magic of being alive? The hope of a better tomorrow?
When did the earnest fool inside of you stop trusting in and dancing with life?
Perhaps for you, the callousness of your heart began long ago– over a lifetime of disappointments, losses, and heartbreaks never fully felt. Maybe for you, it was the deflation and utter disorientation after a great loss– be it the loss of a beloved, your marriage, your health, your faith, your career, or a version of yourself you were never meant to be. Maybe it was a slow drip, watching political upheaval through the fire screen of your phone, creating the glazed-over, apathetic eyes and cement feet that can’t seem to want to begin again.
Or maybe it wasn’t something you lost so much as you tucked it away in fear of being seen as foolish or childish or insensitive to the “harsh realities” of life.
After all, the most obvious choice for a tender heart in a world of heartbreak is to harden– callousness is nothing more than self-protection.
The walls around your heart aren’t wrong. They make sense. And– I invite you to consider the possibility that you may not need them anymore.
Okay- before I get ahead of myself, can I tell you a story and introduce you to someone?
It was spring of 2020 when I met today’s guide, the Fool, in the most unsuspecting way.
As I embarked on my first medicinal ceremony with mushrooms I set up a little altar with devotion. (I take this shit seriously). I put my hand over the shrooms, centered myself and reverently prayed: “help me to see myself clearly.” I was ready to receive sacred, serious wisdom. I wanted to touch my pain, shed some tears and to face my dark night of the soul.
Much to my surprise I dissolved into bellowing laughter.
The breath of life violently, effervescently, joyfully pulsating through me. Tears streaming down my face, gasping for air between laughs. Then… the answer to my prayer arrived with what I can only describe as God’s gossip.
There he was: a gleaming, tiny, dancing devil. Standing only 12 inches tall with the biggest smirk on his face. Behind his grin, the secret to life– the answer to my prayer.
Arms spread wide and body gyrating, he said to me, “Madison, life is a joke.”
I burst even deeper into tear-saturated laughter.
“I ASKED TO SEE MYSELF CLEARLY AND ALL I SEE IS A DANCING DEVIL!!! HE IS TELLING ME LIFE IS A JOKE!”
While I’m not someone who believes we can just do mushrooms and all our problems will be solved, nor is it the proper medicine for everyone, this insight offered me the start of a new beginning.
“Life is a joke.”
I contemplated those words for months thereafter and slowly came to realize that it was not “the devil” appearing to me, it was the Wisdom of the Fool, ushering me into a new, less serious, spacious way of being.
Despite all my saccharine desire, it was not angels of light nor the beauty of my Essence I received. Instead I got the silly, sacred medicine I needed:
A Holy Joke. A liturgy of levity. God’s Grace-filled Gossip.
Of course.
It is the Fool who understands backwards wisdom. Where the onlookers with hard hearts may mock and misunderstand, the Fool knows innocence of heart is the greatest strength, openness the greatest protection and merrymaking the greatest medicine.
As an archetype, the Fool is known for paradoxical wisdom that provokes new beginnings, full of contrary, liberating insight.
As Kim Krans says, the Fool “carries a remedy for all that ails this world.”
It’s the Fool who will whisper “you’re being a petty little victim and keeping yourself from happiness, you sassy bitch,” wink at you, and inspire you to take sacred responsibility only like the Fool could.
It’s the Fool who will say “who cares what happened before! Who cares what they think!! Imagine the possibilities!!! Imagine the fun!! Imagine the lessons we will learn!!!!”
It is the Fool who opens trap doors to freedom and teaches us to begin again.
And in a time where everyone is teaching and preaching liberation through endless digging, copious amounts of “doing the work,” healing ourselves and digging into our each and every trauma…
It’s the Fool who knows the path of levity and grace is the most subversive way of all.
Madison did you know the etymology of the word Fool comes from the Latin word that means “bellows”; in Sanskrit it literally means “inflated with wind.”
It may not be far off then to say that to embody the freshness and springtime energy of the Fool archetype we must clear some brush, thaw our ground, open our hearts and create space for something new.
The Fool is here to give us a breath of fresh air - to help us remember what it was like at the beginning - to open up to a childlikeness (without losing all the wisdom we have gained) so that life can begin to live us.
Throughout historical mythology and tarot, the Fool archetype has been known to help us:
Break rules and take risks
Embody beginner's mind
Be willing to be misunderstood
Bring a spirit of play
Tell the truth
Embrace uncertainty
Laugh at mistakes
Step outside their comfort zone
Leap into the unknown
Flow with the winds of change
Stays curious and in the realm of possibilities
Not to take ourselves too seriously
Loosen our grip of control
To trust
Walk the backward way of wisdom
Doesn’t that sound like potent medicine, with a spoonful of sugar!?
If you want to keep the same old thing going, that’s up to you. I won’t judge. But answer this for me first:
How fucking crusty has life become, trying to “achieve your goals” and heal from endless amounts of wrongdoings?
How serious and stagnant do you feel when you try to get it “right”?
How hard has it become to access the joy of when you first began since you’ve filled your mind with all this “self help”?
When was the last time you laughed?
The Laughing Buddha gets it^
If you’re feeling the pang of this email and wanting to take the invitation to backwards wisdom, willingness and wonder, I invite you to take the Fool’s trap-door.
Take the Fool’s trap-door to freedom with me– an invitation to do it different.
Do the Foolish thing. Do the irrational thing. Do the simple thing. The spontaneous thing. The thing that doesn't make sense. Do the thing you’re not good at. Do the messy thing. Do the thing without strategizing. Do it because you love it. Without force. Do the thing and stay open. Do the thing from flow. Do the thing while telling the truth. Do it dancing. Do it laughing. Do the thing, unexpected. Do the thing from an innocent, earnest heart. Do the thing "people like you" would never do. Do the thing like you’re held. Better yet, celebrated. Do the thing like you can’t get it wrong. Do the forbidden thing. Do the thing like there is nothing to "fix" and nothing to "do." Do the thing trusting life. Do the thing with arms wide open. Do the thing and let people stare. Do the thing no one expects. Do the thing they hate. Do the thing they judge. Do the thing you thought you’d never do. Do it big. Do it bold. Do it afraid. Do it surrendered. Do it willing.
What if we can actually dance our way to freedom and laugh our way to liberation?
Sure, maybe it is the “foolish” choice to trust this moment, and resign our fixing. And maybe that’s exactly what this moment is asking for.
What to do now?
It’s simple, really. So simple. Too simple. Would you try it with me?
Put your to-do list aside, just for a little while.
Dance through the frozen places inside you!
Feel it all and move it through – Shake your ass!! Scream!!! Hug a pillow!!!! Lay and do nothing!!!!! Cry!!!!!
In the wise words of Jessica Dore, “Change at any level the personal, relational, cultural, systemic-requires two things: that we be courageous enough to dance weirdly in the frozen spaces and that we be willing to feel whatever angst or uncertainty that brings.
Know this, when you start dancing you’ll be better equipped for what comes next.”
I’ll leave you with this for now and be back in a few days with part 2 of 5. :)
Let it be Easy,
Madison
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Email 2
Now is not the time to tune out, it’s the time to do it a new way.
EMBODYING BEGINNER'S MIND
In the last email (which you can read below if you missed it) we discussed the backwards wisdom of the Fool, who can teach us to dance with life. Let’s be honest, it’s no small feat to move in this way.
So today I want to build upon this foundation as we wade through the reality that you know more now… and knowing more hasn’t brought more freedom, wisdom , or joy.
It’s true, what they say: ignorance is bliss, and the truth is a bitch.
I’ve noticed this in every area of my life as I have grown and evolved.
For example, over the last 2 years, I have longed for the “simpler times” in my business– the freshness of the beginning, the excitement to simply have the privilege to do this work, the sheer aliveness, confidence, and bliss of being a beginner. It’s a wonderful place to be when you haven’t had to “grow up” and see the shadows of an industry, faced your own (or others’) humanity, Ego, and limitations!
You, too, may notice this in your relationships.
When the honeymoon phase ends, when a crisis happens, when someone gets sick… you’re left with two real, human people with quirks, wonky history, prickly communication habits, and methods of self-protection that don’t evoke the bliss, joy, and ecstasy you hoped would last forever.
Be it business, in romantic partnership, a creative project, your spiritual life, your healing, your relationship to politics, or collective liberation, it’s common to start the journey with energy, openness, willingness, and fervor, and then experience a taste of reality; only to have your bubbly expectations deflated. You may become disillusioned, be burned, feel weary, burnt-out, and ask “what’s the fucking point??”
Relate?
If so, nothing has gone wrong. You’re actually right on time.
Keep going, because this “what's the fucking point” phase is actually not the end of your journey, it’s the beginning of embodied wisdom with a beginner's mind.
Have you heard of the 4 Stages of Competence by Noel Burch? What about the potty training analogy? ;)
Allow me to introduce you to both, as they may offer you some context as to why you’re feeling all this angst, boredom, and dissatisfaction.
Stage 1: Unconsciously Incompetent
Says: I Don't Know That I Don't Know
Potty training analogy version: I’m a baby and I’m not yet conscious of bowel movements at all, shit just happens, and I remain in bliss.
This is the stage of new beginnings– the honeymoon phase of all new undertakings! You don’t know what you don’t know… and you couldn’t if you tried!
Stage 2: Consciously Incompetent
Says: I Know That I Don't Know
Potty training analogy version: I know I’m shitting… but I’m not aware enough yet to catch it early, or do anything about it. I don’t have the skill. Shit. Is. Happening… and I can tell.
This is a frustrating phase!! This is when you start to see the hiccups, the problems, and the realization that you might not have the skill you need to meet this moment in a good way.
Between stages 2 and 3, people experience the greatest disillusionment of their expectations, experience being burned by a partner or spiritual teacher, start to feel weary, experience boredom or hopelessness with the process– and it’s where many of us are now: feeling stuck, stagnant, and overwhelmed.
Stage 3: Consciously Competent
Says: I Know That I Know
Potty training analogy version: I can predict when I’ve gotta poop, and am familiar with the skill of going to the toilet or alarming a helpful other to assist me!
“What’s the fucking point” happens here. Now that you see the truth of the situation, you have a choice: dip out because it’s too fucking much, or lean in and become thoroughly skilled to meet whatever is happening.
Chances are, my friend, you are here ^.
You’ve learned all the things, read all the books. You understand the pitfalls of patriarchy and the fractures in your family system and have analyzed your attachments… but you’re fucking tired, and sick of focusing on all the (very real) problems.
You’re tempted to tune it all out.
Please, if this is you, now is not the time to tune it out, it’s the time to do it a new way. The frustration you feel is a potent indicator that you are beginning to become masterful and what’s not needed is being burned away.
Alchemy is occurring.
Stage 4: Unconsciously Competent or Mastery
This is the “you make it look easy” phase.
Says: I Don't Know That I Know
Potty training analogy version: I don’t even have to think about it, I just take myself to the toilet when I have to go. The skill and embodiment are automatic.
This is where embodied wisdom with beginners' minds begins. You now have discernment and can see the truth, but you also have capacity to see all the possibilities ahead of you.
When you know how much you don’t know, you can meet this moment again with beginner's mind.
You are a wise, clear, embodied sage.
It makes sense why so many of us are feeling overwhelmed, stagnant, and stuck right now.
We moved through the (important) phase of becoming aware, and we suffer in our awareness when we do not yet embody the skill to live it out competently. (My teachers call this “conscious suffering” – and they are not wrong).
Plus, so many of us stay stuck there learning and learning and learning like disembodied floating heads.
Maybe you noticed that disembodiment leads to more neurosis, not more liberation?
My friend, education is good, I live for education!
But we need to learn to incorporate it so we can start again, like the Fool, with both beginner’s mind and embodied wisdom.
How, exactly?
Well first, we demystify why we feel so wonky right now. Check, done. No more need to assign wrongness to how you’ve been feeling, it makes sense!
Now our work is twofold:
1- Live what we have learned in small doable bits.
Chances are you know more intellectually than you can legitimately apply, and I’m willing to bet you know a lot of shit that works for others, but very little about what works for you: your body, your brain, your desires, your needs, and your preferences.
Living what you know is an experiment.
Toss out what you think you “should” be doing and actually listen to the feedback from your body.
You’ll begin to see what you truly know (and by know, I mean embody) by how you live it. This is how you get to embodied wisdom: the boring work of showing up, every day, for the simple shit that supports you.
2- Learn the skill, not just the information, to live out our liberation.
The fastest way to learn a new skill? Forget what you think you know. Stop trying to fix it all. Humble yourself! Make it fun!! Stop taking yourself so damn seriously!!! (Remember the Fool).
Humans actually increase their cognition, memory, and retention of a new skill through play and fun– so when we take all this healing so damn seriously, we learn slower and often heap on the judgment, mental stress, and self-criticism (not fun at all).
Truthfully, the best way to embody the wisdom you’ve gained the past few years, and have the capacity to live it out is to stop trying so hard.
And let’s be honest - not trying hard… is hard.
It’s a skill in and of itself. It takes daily practice. Inner capacity for uncertainty. Support from a mentor.
Ease isn’t always “easy,” but it’s worth it.
This is the journey to Unconscious Competence (Stage 4) where you’ll feel open and curious, while remaining discerning and wise– where you make being with reality look easy, but we both know it will actually take more strength than people realize.
I can’t help but think of the strength of a pole dancer– she makes it look so fluid, so soft, so easy because of all the competency and strength she has acquired.
Reading books about pole dancing might make her a literary expert, but it isn’t gonna build the strength. That’s only gonna come through the gritty work of getting bruised, laughing it off, and getting up there again.
^FKA Twigs making it look easy
Make it look easy– here’s what to do:
Make a list of everything you’re “failing at” right now.
Write “SO WHAT” across the page.
Crumple it up.
Throw it away. Burn it. Stomp on it. Give it the finger!!
Open a fresh page and write instead:
What is one thing I can do today that I know makes me feel good? Do not write more than one thing.
If I had to forget everything I knew about how to “be my best self” and only remember one thing I’ve learned over the past few years, what is the one thing I want to remember? Do not write more than one thing.
If you want to, please share with me the two things you write down. You can r DM me right here on Instagram. I can’t wait to hear from you.
See you in a couple of days for part 3.
Let it be Easy,
Madison
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Email 3
Feeling stuck doesn’t mean you are stuck– feelings aren’t facts. So don’t mistake it as the end of your journey.
grief portals
In the last email we talked about how normal it is to feel frustrated, stagnant and stuck.
Feeling stuck doesn’t mean you are stuck– feelings aren’t facts. So don’t mistake it as the end of your journey.
In all great myths the hero/heroine feels like they want to give up right before the breakthrough. Instead of throwing in the towel, they usually find a mystical guide who reminds them of their strength, teaches them some magic, tells a few jokes and helps them alchemize all their angst and doubt into a whole, integrated victory.
All of that to say, feeling stuck, stagnant or overwhelmed is actually a sign you’re being initiated.
You’re becoming a masterful, clear, embodied sage with a beginner's mind and an open heart.
This is the start of your journey, not the end.
As hopeful and lovely as that sounds, moving from the tired, problem-focused stage of “whats the fucking point” to the open, alive and willing stage where “you make it look so easy” isn’t for the faint of heart.
In fact, it might break your heart– in a good way.
Moving to the stage of competence, where you’re open-hearted, wise and embodied means your heart has to actually open… and in softness comes grief.
We already talked about how a tender-hearted soul might have to develop calluses to buffer the world’s pain. And how that hardened, closed and protected heart serves a purpose, until it doesn’t. If you’re resonating with these emails, chances are you’ve moved past the stage where closing and protecting your beautiful heart from hurt is necessary. It's now keeping you feeling stuck and frozen instead of open and willing.
❤️🔥 As you know, the only way out is through. And in this case, “through” means into the well of your own heart to soften, grieve and eventually, open.
I know from experience that breaking open can also feel like a break down. Softening our frozen places leaves us feeling tender, exposed and weary.
This is normal. This is to be expected. This is not a problem. Nothing has gone wrong.
Can I share a bit of my personal experience with this?
Last summer I found myself in what I’d now call a mild depression rooted in grief. At the time, I didn’t know that’s what I was experiencing, so I judged it as wrong.
I’d never felt this way before and it didn’t make sense to me; I was taking care of my health, getting good sleep, moving my body, doing everything “right.” I was happily in my new loft space which was decorated with a gorgeous boucle couch and fresh flowers. Plus I was falling in love with my best friend, going on trips again for the first time in a few years, devoted to a daily spiritual practice and my business was booming. Life was great.
Despite everything in my life bursting with beauty, my body just wanted to sleep. My heart was heavy. I couldn’t find that “spark” of pollyanna I’d lived over 3 decades with.
You see, with all this goodness, safety and stability in my life– I finally had capacity to digest the 4 years prior, which included a divorce, coming out, going no contact with an abusive family member, a pandemic, the death of my dog, 3 moves, the death of 2 grandmothers, 2 years of trauma and somatic attachment therapy, a not-so-pretty breakup, and a neurodivergence diagnosis.
Life got good! The world opened again! And I tried to jump back into it like nothing had changed.
Yet everything was different.
I was different. The world was different. And while being healthier than ever mentally, physically and spiritually, I had a lot to grieve. Grieving would be a healthy flow of energy in this case. Instead of flowing, I judged it.
Resisting this grief brought me to my knees– condemning it as wrong, a problem and a sign I wasn’t doing something right only made things worse… until I surrendered.
Once I let go and let myself go into the grief portal, energy began to move.
I sat each day for a tea ceremony and wept. I cried more that summer than I have in my whole life. I wrote and wrote and wrote; digesting a lifetime of heartbreak, shame and abandonment I’d never had the capacity to feel.
I grieved for all the versions of me who didn’t feel safe, and didn’t know love until now.
I found mentors who reminded me that grief is healthy.
They helped me re-mother myself. They taught me how to be present with pain. They taught me how to alchemize it all. They showed me how it was all happening for my benefit.
(They were my mystical guides, leading me to wholeness).
I found on the other side a greater capacity for compassion, a greater connection to my True Self, to spirit, to others and the ability to open to life’s beauty even in the midst.
Grief portals bring us into presence.
Grief portals bring us into reality.
Grief portals bring us into connection.
Grief portals open our ❤ Sacred Hearts❤ .
When we allow ourselves to grieve, we un-stuck the energy. We let it flow. We learn to tenderly meet our sadness and hurt parts. We mother the younger parts of ourselves who desperately need our affection. We develop the capacity to be with life, no matter what it brings.
We grow ourselves up.
Resisting the grief or ruminating on wrongdoings is what makes us feel so stuck.
Feeling the grief? Moving it through? Tending to our Sacred Hearts? Whole worlds open as a result.
What about you?
Who were you in 2019 that you are no longer today?
What has changed? What has been lost?
Which of your desires, ambitions and values have shifted– if not all of them?
The last 4 years have changed us, each of us, and we cannot live out our aliveness without acknowledging, grieving, honoring and letting go of who we were and what we used to want.
We cannot keep squeezing ourselves into lives too small for us, into ways of working that harm us, into relationships that can no longer “meet” us, or into dreams that no longer serve us.
Lucky us, this is not the end of the road.
It’s an opportunity for an up-level. It’s a sign of transformation! It’s a chance at alchemy!! This evolution is happening for our benefit.
And sure, it’s heartbreaking.
It’s heartbreaking because it’s breaking you open to more.
If you’re somewhere between stories and have been feeling stuck, stagnant or overwhelmed, perhaps there is something for you to grieve.
Here’s what to do:
If you desire some support in the process, here is a menu of options that often support me. Pick 2 to try for yourself.
🌈1- Welcome it. All of it.
The more you resist what’s already happening and all that’s already happened, the more you live with unnecessary tension and pain. It’s happened. So put your hand to your heart and welcome it.
“I welcome you, loss. I welcome you, shame. I welcome you, regret. I welcome you, anger. I welcome you, longing. I welcome you, apathy. Welcome. I see that you’re here. You are welcome.”
🌈2- Let the Earth compost it.
Perhaps you don’t have to carry it all yourself. Go lay on the Earth and feel your body pressing up against hers. Imagine the magnet at her core, gently pulling out all the density, heaviness and all you can’t digest. Give it to her, she knows what to do.
🌈3- Don’t disassociate. Don’t discharge. Open, open, open to presence instead.
So many well meaning teachers offer tools that help you either bypass your sensations or some version of “shake it out” where you scream and jump and exercise the “bad” feelings out. Nothing wrong with catharsis, but try this and see how it feels:
Neither disassociate or discharge it. Simply open to presence.
Notice the beautiful things around you. Notice how you’re actually safe with the sensation. Notice how there’s nothing to “do” but notice. You are safe with you.
🌈4- Enter the well of your own Sacred Heart - a soul retrieval of sorts.
Listen to this hypnotic visualization, linked above, where I’ll guide you to connect to Your Sacred Heart, and take a journey to integrate your younger parts back into wholeness. With binaural beats & set at 528 hz, you'll sink into theta wave brain state, able to relax, receive & change the subconscious with ease.
🌈5- Ask: “If this was happening for me, what might I be learning?”
That’s not to say “everything happens for a reason.” We can’t know that. It is, however, a great tool to re-access your agency, gain perspective and support yourself to make meaning that bolsters you. It’s a way to have a little more control about your mindset, which is known to lower stress and make you more resilient. :)
Now, I’d love to know, who are you today that you were not in 2019? Reply to this email, or DM me on instagram. I’d love to hear from you.
Let it be Easy,
Madison
❤️🔥🕊️🌈
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Email 4
In proper Fool’s wisdom (backwards wisdom) suffering is grace. It’s the paradox of allowing ourselves to have the whole human experience while trusting we are already free.
No, nothing is wrong with you.
I hope to God it doesn’t feel like a bummer to receive these emails about feeling Alive Again, only to be told you must grieve your way there.
Stick with me, okay? Remember: "what’s the fucking point" is not the end of this journey.
The brilliance of all this becoming is that your body was made for it.Your body is an alchemical vessel of transformation.
The dictionary definition of alchemy can be defined as a seemingly magical process of transformation, creation, or combination. The work of alchemy is transmutation– meaning the ingredients you put into the pot are transformed completely; it turns it to gold.
In this case, your body is the pot. Your suffering, grief, shame, fear, anger, regret, overwhelm… these are the unlikely ingredients.
YOU are what is being transformed.
The process of feeling fully, digesting our experience, and learning to hold ourselves with grace is what will allow this alchemy to occur.
In proper Fool’s wisdom (backwards wisdom) suffering is grace. It’s the paradox of allowing ourselves to have the whole human experience while trusting we are already free.
And I get it.
Feeling fully is fucking hard.
Our bodies often associate challenging feelings and sensations with stories of our brokenness, painful memories, and old wounds. So to protect ourselves we resist, deny, disassociate, scramble to "fix" ourselves, or spill our "stuff" all over others. (Likely we do all of the above).
For example, the experience of shame or fear in our bodies can feel so overwhelming, and the stories we make it mean are so nasty that we try to numb and fix it. The surge of anger in our bodies may remind us of harm or violence, so we make it mean we are bad and try to suppress it. (But inevitably it leaks out onto our beloveds). Our grief may feel so endless we may feel a looming tidal wave of dread… or perhaps complete apathy. We call this feeling stuck.
Then our mind comes in and judges the experience:
"This shouldn’t be happening to me.
I should be better than this.
No one else suffers like this.
What did I do to deserve this?
I can't get rid of these patterns!
What's wrong with me!?"
Layering the stories on top only amplifies the pain of it all, creating unnecessary suffering.
No, actually nothing is wrong with you.
And this is where so many of us get stuck "self-helping" – we think we have done something wrong when we experience challenging feelings, setbacks, or life-life’s.
Let’s not make having challenging feelings a problem.
Let’s not judge a trauma response.
Let’s stop trying to "fix" all these patterns– it will only strengthen them.
No, actually nothing is wrong with you.
So, if these patterns and feelings aren’t a problem, and we aren’t judging them, and we aren’t trying to fix them… what exactly are we doing here?
We are digesting them.
We are using them as fuel for our transformation.
Alchemy is occurring.
Yep– you can use anything and everything that happens as fuel for your transformation. You can use even the shittiest of circumstances for your benefit. You can see your suffering as grace. (Please don’t just accept this if it doesn’t land for you. Pick it up and try it on. Test it! But only if you want to).
Madison, your body was made to digest not only food, but emotion and experiences– even the shitty ones.
Your body knows how to use suffering as grace. Your body was meant for presence. Your body was meant to be in reality.
And yes, you’re right, sometimes reality is grotesque! Sometimes reality offers shit we don’t like. Sometimes reality breaks our hearts. And while deeply upsetting, it doesn’t have to be a problem.
So no, actually nothing is wrong with you.
Your body was made to digest it. All of it.
We digest it by cultivating presence, by opening to reality as it is right now, by relating to what is happening– without judgment.
Being with sensation (pleasant or unpleasant) is aliveness.
So there is grief… so what!?
So there is anger… so what!?
So there is overwhelm… so what!?
Is it harming you? Is it truly a problem? What if in this moment, all you had to do was accept it? What if the suffering of this moment is not actually separate from God?
Call me a fool, but I believe all of it is working on my behalf. All of it is grace. All of it is proof I am alive.
I don’t like all of it. I’m not always enjoying it. But nevertheless, it’s happening. So I may as well relate to it.
Experiencing it all (although sometimes a bitch, and often inconvenient) is a normal, vital, healthy part of being human. And when I allow my human experience to not be a problem, I find I can digest it. And once again I open again to the beauty of being alive.
So my friend, how exactly do you do this? Try these on and see how they fit:
1- Take the backwards wisdom of the fool.
When all seems to be falling apart, and when you’re judging yourself at an all-time high, decide that there is in fact no problem. That you are not a problem. Nothing has gone wrong.
2- Don’t bypass, explain away, analyze, or disassociate.
Stay with the sensation and emotion. It may feel like shit. That’s okay. You may notice you disassociate anyway. That’s okay. Just come back to sensation when you remember to.
3- Adopt a "so what?" attitude towards your own judgments.
Not to dismiss your feelings (circle back to step 2) but to not layer unnecessary stories and judgments on top of what already sucks.
4- Open, open, open to presence.
So many well-meaning folks on the internet are teaching catharsis as a means of "nervous system regulation." While shaking it out and screaming might be helpful from time to time, a lot of this is quite reductive, and much too explosive to be integrated. We want to digest the experience, not vomit it everywhere! If this works for you, great! If you find it hasn’t, try this:
Simply open to presence. Track the charge of the feeling.
Shame in your heart? Grief in your gut? Anxiety behind your eyes? Amazing. It’s not necessarily a problem that needs to be exorcized. You’re not a demon!! Welcome it, relate to it, thank it. You may find there is nothing to "do" about it but notice. From this place, the right next action (be it screaming, dancing, crying or even laughing) will reveal itself.
5- Stay soft. Soften your gaze. Soften your judgments. Soften your mind. Soften your heart.
Notice the beautiful things around you. Notice how you’re actually safe with the sensation. Notice how there’s nothing to "do" but notice and stay soft. You are safe with you.
Bonus: find the place inside you where there isn’t a problem. Find the place inside where you are already free.
I want to leave you with my current favorite poem:
Have you tried to let go?
You cannot. No-one has ever succeeded in letting go.
Letting go is not for you.
Letting go is the end of someone trying to let go; so do not try to let go.
It will strengthen the whole game.
Don't try to not think; it will strengthen the thinking.
Don't try to transcend your patterns; it will strengthen the patterns.
The biggest pattern of all patterns is trying to get rid of patterns.
What should I do then?
Nothing.
Simply be available for this moment to kiss you.
When your partner comes home, you are available for him to kiss you.
Maybe he will, maybe he won't, but you are available.
Then the kiss is really sweet because it is free of 'me'.
Let whatever is here now kiss you.
Just receive life without doing.
Just receive what is given.
We are so busy living life,
we have largely forgotten what it is to simply receive life and let life live us;
to be unconditionally available for this moment
to have us and to recognize that every moment is the beloved,
whatever it contains.
This moment is it. In this moment, the beloved kisses you.
This moment is God.
- Tathagata from the book Given
(by: Dearest Florian Schlosser - may he rest in peace)
You are not a problem, Madison. And this moment, whatever it contains, is God.
I’d love to hear how this lands for you. What feels expansive? What feels challenging? Hit reply and fill me in!
Talk to you soon,
Madison
P.S. The next email is the final in our series, then on May 24, we gather for a 90-minute Alive Again Workshop on Zoom!
You can expect live teaching, space for journaling, contemplation, and sharing, as well as a ritual and embodiment practice to cut cords with outdated agreements and release grief. My aim is that you leave feeling free to unmask your authentic expression, let your True Self be seen, reconnect to Spirit, and let life be good. :)
CLICK THIS LINK TO ADD IT TO YOUR CALENDAR.
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Email 5
The time has come to turn your heart into a temple of fire - rumi
who are you when life is good?
The shift began about 2 years ago.
Up until that point, my healing journey had centered the pain of my past. (Rightfully so, I had a lot to heal from).
Because of my challenging childhood, I had become strong, competent, and willing to turn any challenge in my path into gold. While these are beautiful qualities on their own, it kept me looking for challenge, oriented to difficulty, unconsciously and habitually seeking problems to fix.
Something different was needed. Something new was emerging.
My spirit was starting to ask me:
Who are you when life is good?
And I hadn’t a clue.
I had spent my entire 20’s outrunning my childhood– striving for success, self-sufficiency and when I got stable, I devoted myself to deconstructing and divesting from toxic systems.
I’d walked away from harmful and supremacist religion, and in doing so lost 99% of my community.
I’d gone no-contact with my abusers, reckoned with my deep seeded codependency, and started taking responsibility for my life (and my life alone).
I had handed back my role as the “perfect/golden child” and began reclaiming my True Identity– which, through trauma, I’d lost access to.
I came out as queer. I got divorced. I stopped explaining myself so much. I stopped tolerating the intolerable.
Through multiple dark nights and dead ends, I stopped seeing myself as a problem to be “fixed.”
And what was left in the aftermath was… so. much. empty. space.
Who was I, if not the one leaving, healing, disrupting?
Who was I, when my abuser was not the center of my life?
Who was I, when there was nothing to burn down?
Who was I, when life was good?
I hadn’t a clue.
Following the question, I enrolled in my friend Marianna’s tea course. This was the first investment I made in myself that wasn’t about healing, but rather, about nourishing myself. I justified the $1500 tuition by saying it was a 30th birthday present for myself.
It was exactly what I needed: grounded wisdom, simple practice, and a community focused on filling life up with something good.
Through 90 consecutive days spent in tea ceremony, prayer, and sobriety, I began to hear the phrase “become the guardian of the good” whispering to me.
“Guardian of the Good.”
I sat with the phrase for months without telling it to a single soul.
As a result, two realizations emerged:
1- The “good” I was to guardian of was, in fact, my own Sacred Heart. Up until now, it had never occurred to me, not once, that my heart was good. Truthfully, I’m not sure I’d ever regarded my heart at all.
2- Life was meant to center the good– and my boundaries need not just “keep out the bad.” In fact, the more I added goodness to my life, centered it, amplified it, focused on it… The less space I had for anything else.
In the almost 2 years since deciding to let life be good… and to regard myself as good, the floodgates of grief and beauty have opened.
The more I tried to “ascend” and “transcend” the pain of my past, the more it ran my life. It was in opening to reality - grief included - that I gained palpable access to my goodness. (As we talked about in past emails, it’s in opening to reality, in the acceptance of reality, that we alchemize it into something new).
The “new” I am now experiencing feels much like a return–
A return to the Innocent One I left behind years ago.
A return to a sense of Authenticity my Soul remembers.
A return to the One with wonder– with access to possibility and the tenderness that comes when callousness melts away.
A return to community - discovering myself, gratefully so, neither better nor worse than any of my fellow humans.
A return to the Sacred.
All those years centering my abuse, focusing on “what was wrong with me,” striving to get free… they were not lost. They served their purpose: offering me validation, anchoring me in stability, healing from trauma, and getting distance from what was harming me. Thank God for the decade spent focused on the problem. You’ve got to identify the problem to know what medicine you need!
But it was the unlikely combination of opening to reality and orienting to goodness that the pain of the past and all those years of striving were alchemized into something new:
Childlike Wonder and Sage Wisdom. A Heart on Fire. A Beginner’s mind. The willingness to follow the path deeper into life, not out of it.
Your life is the portal to the divine.
We are not meant to hustle our way to wholeness all our lives, nor will trauma-work help us transcend our human biology.
We are not meant for endless digging, poking at wounds that are trying to heal (if we would just stop jabbing at them). We are not meant to center our pain, our abusers, or toxic systems our entire lives.
We do not need endless self-optimization, nor to rid ourselves of all the “bad” qualities. In the words of my mentor Holly, “There is nothing to be added to or taken away - only accessed.”
This is the beauty of backwards wisdom: Liberation is meant to be lived in the now.
We must only access it.
And this, my friend, can be a decision you make. It was a decision I made.
I decided I get to enjoy life as it is.
I decided feeling stuck is not the end of my journey.
I decided my boundaries are the guardian of the good.
I decided to reinvent myself.
I decided I cannot step off my perfect path.
I decided I can create my own abundance.
I decided to let it be easy.
I decided to embrace my cringe.
I decided I am already free.
You can decide (just like I did on my 30th birthday) to follow the nudge of your Sacred Heart and orient yourself to a new way of being. The time has come.
Intrigued to try this on for yourself? Try this–
1- Decide.
Decide to stop digging at your wounds. Decide life gets to be good. Decide there is nothing to be added nor taken away… only accessed.
2- Make contact with the Innocent One inside of you.
Nothing needs to be added nor taken away. Pause and get present. Can you sense the space within that is already free?
3 - Take a peek at what you are FOR.
We are well-practiced at what we find repulsive. Bigotry. Hatred. Racism. Injustice. Abuse. Rightfully so. And, decide for yourself what you are living FOR. What are your values? What is the practice of living them day in and day out?
You are the guardian of all this goodness. You are sovereign over where you place your attention and give your energy. You and only you.
4- Sit with this question for a week:
Who am I when life is good?
5- Come to Alive Again, The Workshop.
It’s next Wednesday at 5:30pm cst, and it will support you in taking all of this out of conceptual inspiration and into daily practice.
Let it be Easy,
Madison
If you’d like to take this deeper, consider joining us next week in the free class:
The Alive Again Workshop.
Hosting free classes like this is my favorite way to teach - where you can ask questions in real time, receive feedback and where your full humanity is welcomed. Plus, they allow our relationship to be less parasocial and more intimate and real. :) Something I think is more necessary now than ever.
Alive Again will be 90 minutes of learning the tools and growing the capacity to unmask your authentic expression, let your True Self be seen, reconnect to Spirit, and let life be good.
It’s 100% free, and it’s next Wednesday May 24 at 3:30PST / 5:30CST / 6:30EST.
I’ll be sharing:
🌱3 (totally innocent) mistakes you may be making that keep you from the wonder, willingness, and wisdom you’re craving (and what to do about it).
🌱5 mindset shifts that will support you to shift stagnancy and overwhelm.
🌱Offering space for journaling, contemplation, and sharing.
🌱Offer a simple ritual and embodiment practice to cut cords with outdated agreements and release grief.
🌱Make a simple and doable plan to take all of this and apply it day in and day out.
I’d love to see you there.
Not already subscribed to receive the emails?
Alive Again, The Workshop
Shift out of stagnancy. Reclaim your wonder. Feel Alive Again.
100% free | Wednesday May 24 | 90 minutes
3:30PST / 5:30CST / 6:30EST
