What 2020 Taught Me About Sovereign Leadership
What 2020 Taught Me About Sovereign Leadership -
Transcript of podcast Episode 27. Listen in here.
Ahhh hello! Madison here coming to you from my cozy meditation room in Springfield, Missouri, the day after the darkest day on record.
I’ve been off the socials and have completed my final client call for 3 weeks after realizing I never took a proper vacation this year. And not taking that break, you know, I felt a bit tired.
Now, I want to do things a bit different today, and instead of offering a new interview, I want to have a little fun with you.
I’m going to share what exactly prompted me to start the podcast, offer the highs and lows of my creative process through one of the most challenging yet expanding years of my life and then offer a recap of the top 3 episodes of the year.
First, a little podcast backstory.
Everything Belongs was born of grief and grace…
I launched into 2020 after a year of heartbreak, new love and rearranging my entire life to be aligned with my deeper truth.
Of course alignment feels wonderful, but the changes I chose to make left reverberations I was ready to leave in the past. Last Christmas was my first no-contact holiday with dear family members, and because I was newly out, I didn’t feel comfortable yet seeing the other side of my very religious and conservative family. We weren't on bad terms, I simply needed more time to be in my own process without adding the reactions of others.
It was also my first holiday season in 10 years no longer spent with my decade-long husband. I signed the divorce papers new years eve, 2019-- six months to the day of moving out and our uncoupling ceremony.
Coupled with the lagging grief of change and the excitement of a new life, New Years Eve was the first outing I had with where I felt boldly liberated to dance with my new girlfriend an out-queer woman in my mid-sized midwestern town.
In a bubblegum pink suit, a mesh leopard print shirt and kitten heels, I was nervous, highly aware. I kissed my girlfriend, felt eyes on me, most of which were probably more surprised than judgy-- given my long religious stint many knew me through. I allowed my inhibitions to fall away, promising myself 2020 was going to be the year I felt more free to be me than ever.
Shortly after the new year, I flew to Hawaii to host a spiritual healing and trauma retreat with Varvara Erochina and Dr. Hillary McBride - feeling more connected to my purpose than ever.
I can remember the warmth of the air, the dancing, the feeling of gratitude for following the breadcrumbs.
Hillary’s work on The Liturgusts podcast helped me leave evangelicalism. Varvara’s work and friendship-- through long text threads about falling in love with a woman supported me to normalize my feelings, never rushing my process but honoring me as a newly out woman. My best friend Kinsey, the brilliant mind behind most of my website and instagram photos since starting my career met us there for some play-time after the retreat. She was the first person I told that I was attracted to a woman, and the first person I’d shared with in years past that I no longer believed in God as I knew him. She had been my loyal confidant, was my divorce honeymoon buddy, and my dream bigger buddy for years.
I was surrounded by love, support and… palm trees. All manifestations of desires, hard work and choosing my belonging time and time again.
Things felt right that week.
I remember listening to Chani Nichols on the To Be Magnetic podcast on the plane, talking about the energy of 2020.
I don’t remember the exact words, but the interviewer asked something to the effect of, “so would you say 2020 is the year to go after your dreams!?” Chani replied, “Sure, if your dreams involve social justice, global movements and the fall of the systems of oppression.” (My summary)
It sent shivers down my spine and invigorated me. I thought, “This is what I was made for.”
Little did I know the year would reveal so much more to me about what I was made for, and what I was made of.
Fast forward a few months and I was in Arizona for the Sedona Yoga Festival, where my girlfriend was set to teach. Not only was I excited to be there in support of her, but I was going to try to meet Marianne Williamson, who was also speaking. Marianne was on the radio and the talk of coronavirus was amping up. I wasn’t sure how serious to take it, given scrolling social media that week, I started to see prominent thought leaders posting about alien invasions, mass volcano eruptions and government mind control. Someone I was with on the trip started to go off about pedophile rings.
I did my best to stay centered, but after hosting my mastermind, Rising Sovereign’s monthly group call from Sedona, it became clear distress and fear were taking over. Rising Sovereign is a program of leaders, teachers, coaches, therapists… people who actively lead and influence others.
Together we sat confused, scared and overwhelmed. None of us had answers.
The Sedona Yoga Festival shut down and never happened. We cancelled our flights to be safe and drove the 18 hours home; weaving our way through Texas and peeing and dancing on the side of the road.
I got home, let out a big cry and immediately quarantined at my girlfriend’s house, unintentionally bumping up our move-in date by a month as lockdown set in. I think I actually said at one point how much I was enjoying the forced lock-down, despite all the fear and uncertainty. We did our best to stay positive. Spring cleaning. Netflix binging. Work planning. Decorating.
It wasn’t 2 full weeks later that my dog tragically ran into the street and was hit by a car. She died not 10 minutes later. Less than 24 hours later, I hosted another Rising Sovereign group call. With tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat, I allowed myself to show up honestly. I was not okay.
All the while, I’d already committed with my trauma therapist to be doing the deep work on my relationship to my family. It was a lot.
The next few months felt like a blur as the political uprisings brought light to the disparity in America around Black lives.
I remember feeling a combination of thankful for having done some anti-racist work for a few years prior, (so I was able to support some with their overwhelm), while also feeling highly ill equipped to be holding space for my clients of marginalized identities. I made mistakes in this season. I was still grieving and I was still leading and I was learning.
Reconciling my own limitations while holding space for a group of leaders whose political opinions started to fray out became one of the most testing experiences of my leadership to date. I was facilitating sacred circle about sovereignty amidst some of the deepest grief and life-change I’d ever undergone. Like many, I was scared, confused, and learning in public.
I was doing my best, and my best consistently fell short of my own expectations.
In that season, I held space for people publicly called out, some lied about, some who were survivors of racial harm and gender based violence seeking support, and some people who didn’t understand the “big deal” about race. I held space for Trump supporters, Biden supporters, Abolitionists, anarchists and those who chose to be a-political alike. I tried to understand. I tried to make bridges. I held steady within myself.
There were times I epically failed, caused harm, asked questioned and learned to do better. There were times I was able to offer space for humanity and greater connection to take place.
I kept asking:
What is my role here as an able bodied white, cis, queer, woman with an online platform?
What is my role having roots in far right conservative Christianity?
What is my role being trained in conflict resolution and mediation?
What is my role given my skills at depth coaching and facilitation?
What is my role given what it takes to divest from supremacy not only in the political arena, but relationally through healing codependence?
What is my role seeing colleagues canceled by other colleagues online?
What is my role?
And what isn’t my role?
It was during that time of grief, overwhelm and longing to build bridges and make a world more beautiful that this podcast was born.
When I launched Everything Belongs 6 months ago, I did so knowing that I would have guests I did not necessarily agree with on everything, but allowed space for curiosity and messy humanness. I wanted to have a space for leaders, healers, facilitators, creatives, survivors, harm-doers, and people who learn in public-- which is really all of us now-- to have a space to say, “this too, Belongs.”
Not that we like everything happening.
Not that we agree with everyone’s choices.
Not that we uplift or celebrate anyone causing harm.
Not that we want to be experiencing everything we feel.
Not that we have to be friends with everyone…
But that if it exists, it belongs.
This too, belongs.
These people too, belong.
Because what I saw in those few months of confusion, collective exhaustion, leaders perpetually fucking up, seeking to do better and searching for meaning in extremes was the desire to make it make sense and offer a pathway to wholeness.
And wholeness doesn’t come without both light and shadow. Without recognizing that we too cause harm. Without acknowledging the ways we have been wrong. Without being willing to be seen fucking up AND shining bright.
They are two sides of the same coin.
Long lasting change doesn’t happen when we shy away from our ugly bits, the messy parts of leadership or pretend the pain is the only thing that exists. No.
True change happens when we allow ourselves to reckon with our own messy wholeness, soften, make more room for beauty and grief alike.
I, Like many of you, entered the year wanting to go up and up and up.
I had high expectations of people. I had people on a pedestal, especially leaders, dehumanizing them, making them perfect in my own mind. And 2020 disillusioned me. It brought me to my knees and showed me what humans are really made of.
Ugly and beautiful alike.
I wanted the grief of 2019 to be buried and to rise in my own sovereign leadership… and I did. I just didn’t expect it to look like a descent into my body, my femininity, collective pain and ancestral trauma, and addressing my own fears around public shame, belonging and being the “good” girl so that we all might experience greater freedom.
That’s where Everything Belongs came from.
From the knowing that even the worst of us still deserve a place to land and the best of us are usually so righteous we would see our own mess and blame another for it.
Everything Belongs, to me, is the belief that real change does not come from casting out, but from welcoming in.
Everything Belongs is human-- we don’t always like it, but it exists. Everything Belongs is acknowledging reality as our starting point to a world more beautiful. It is radical, transformative and boundaried grace with a vision and a plan. Everything Belongs is inclusive and transcendent.
It has been my greatest teacher this year, and I’m so thankful to share the journey with you.
Now— I want to share with you the top 5 episodes of the year, highlighting the top 3 with segments of my favorite parts!
What I am taking away from the 5 most downloaded conversations is that what you craved most this year was honesty around what it really means to be human.
Which tells me that you, too, felt the messy, ugly, grief filled parts of leadership. It tells me I was not alone in the pain. It tells me we needed one another, and that leadership requires us to get into our bodies and deeply trust ourselves.
Your 5th most downloaded podcast was…
Episode 10 with poet, model and spoken word artist Arielle Estoria, Taking Risks to Find true freedom. An episode about Arielle’s vulnerable journey with God, faith, shifting relationships and navigating building a career as an artist in LA.
“Freedom will whisper to you "who says?" Freedom will whisper to you "who told you that?" Freedom will whisper to you "just try!" -Arielle Estoria
Your 4th most downloaded podcast was…
Ep 12 with my very first life coach, Steph Jagger on rooting into the feminine where we talk about descent, darkness and spiritual fertility.
“Where are my sisters, my mothers, my aunts? Literally and metaphorically. And how do we all support each other from that space?” -Steph Jagger
Now, here are your top 3 episodes of the year.
(Clips of the episodes found in the audio version of this transcript).
Starting with Number 3… A personal favorite with lots of controversy,
#3: Episode 18- Punishment Programming and Boundaries on Social Media with Jamie Lee Finch.
“If I can't have deeply invested friendships with every person I'm connected to on Instagram, then there has to be a point where boundaries matter.” -Jamie Lee Finch
#2: Episode 5 Moving from Trauma to Trust with Rachael Maddox
“People have resistance to being needy or to feeling so vulnerable but this needy vulnerability is the foundation of your humanness. You will never escape it. So you might as well embrace it.” -Rachael Maddox
Our #1 most downloaded episode was with the person I began the journey of 2020 with in Hawaii, Dr Hillary Mcbride with You Are Your Body.
“When we take human experiences that actually are sacred and slow and methodical and available to everybody and we package them in such a way that we make it feel like it has to look a certain way to be valid, that you have to be this kind of practice to be embodied: No! If you noticed you were hungry and you ate – you are embodied.” -Hillary McBride, PHD
Thank you so much for listening and offering your time to Everything Belongs this year. In the 6 months since starting this podcast there have been almost 14,000 downloads, 48 abundantly generous reviews, two one star reviews (which I’m taking as a strange compliment that this show isn’t for everybody) and heaps of messages thanking me for really going there.
Goodness, for that I have to say THANK YOU!!
Thank you for being with me in 2020 the most playful, profitable, and soul-stretching year I’ve had in business yet. Thank you to the clients I’ve worked with from Awaken Her Soul to the women in Rising Sovereign who make this work so meaningful to me. Thank you for trusting me with your process, heart and trusting me to trust myself. It is the biggest honor to see you. Thank you for every DM, every review (yea even those 2 one-stars, I’m so grateful you took the time to send energy my way), for every comment, share, like, each one of you who came to workshops, did the challenges, and tuned in. It means so much during a year where that attention was pulled in so many directions.
Without you, I’d be like Robyn, dancing on my own. And although I’m not above that by any means, it’s so much better because you’re here.
There have been so many things about this year that I wanted to spit out. And as we move into another year I am offering myself space to really digest it all, to let go of what isnt for me, to consume less of what my body doesn’t agree with, to crack wide open to the bitter medicine of stories that offer sweetness in their being told.
I’m signing off for 2020.
It's been good. It's been weird. It's not been what I expected. Yet, somehow, it is all here, belonging inside of us.
Thank you so much for listening.
I hope this serves you as you continue to explore what sharing your gift, beliefs and offerings to the world looks like from a place of wholeness, worth and power.
Let’s dance the dance of freedom and see who joins us.
XO -Madison
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