This is based on my 3 Part podcast series, including -
Part 1 - My own story of how I designed a life of support, having gone from exiled, unsupported and isolated to a robust web of support.
Part 2 – The Foundations, Values, Desires, Boundaries, and Competencies to build and consider when weaving your web of support

Listen to the podcast episode instead of reading here!

Welcome to Part 3 of Weaving Your Web of Support.

In part 3, I’ll be sharing about how to identify where you need support, when to invest in professional support such as a coach, therapist or guide, what to look for in you local and online communities and what it really takes to build depth relationships.

Know what kinds of support are available:

+ Capacity building and Healing such as coaching, therapy, and body-based tools like somatic experiencing.

This usually focuses on your ability to live, relate, heal and thrive. Coaches and therapists typically do not tell their clients what they should do, but rather uncover deeper motivations and support their clients to understand their own truth. Both coaching and therapy have a large focus on self-inquiry which means understanding your patterns, power and your role in what happens in your life.

The major difference: Therapy and trauma work typically focuses on releasing stored pain, grief and past wounds while getting to a place of optimal personal functioning without unhealthy or harmful coping mechanisms (think physical therapy). Coaching typically focuses on the movement from surviving to thriving in regards to your personal responsibilities, values, desires, capacity and mindset (Think personal training). Coaching places a bigger emphasis on goals, results and intentions and therapy places a bigger emphasis on healing. There is overlap, but a good therapist and coach knows their competencies and stays within their area of expertise.

+ Consulting and Educating such as business coaching, mentorship and educational trainings.

These usually teach skills and competencies that offer a greater understanding of yourself, others or how something works to increase effectiveness. If you are in a relationship where you are receiving and applying advice or expertise, or are learning something you can immediately apply, this is a consulting relationship.

In life this might look like a wise spiritual mentor who tells you what they would do, a lawyer who offers their perspective, or a business “coach” who tells you how to market your product.

These relationships are paid in an energy exchange.

+ Outsourcing Completely -

Outsourcing support is where someone else comes in and meets the need and fulfills the role completely. This looks like a housekeeper, a babysitter, an assistant who books all your appointments, your local CSA or grocery delivery who grows and delivers your food, or even systems set up once that send emails in an automation that make you money without you having to be “on.” When you outsource, you take something completely off your plate and hire someone to fulfill the entirety of that task because they have more competency and skill in it than you. These relationships are paid in an energy exchange.

There are ways spaces can meet more than one of these needs. For example, in my business program Serve It Up - I am teaching CEO’s and creative visionaries to run their companies by:

1- coaching them to improve their own competencies, heal from false-ideas of themselves, grow their capacity, mindsets and leadership.

2- by consulting them and offering guidance on HOW to do specific things such as lead a team, curate a signature program and create systems

3- by educating them on how to do these things on their own

4- by teaching them to outsource what is not in their zone of genius

Another example of this would be a therapist who has a private practice and holds space for healing and trauma work experientially, but also does webinars and writes books – educating people to better understand their patterns, become aware and skilled to live into these changes.

If you’re someone, like me, who enjoys BOTH education and self-inquiry, this is something to consider in what will make you truly feel supported.

If you’re someone who often gets the education, but not the experiential side of support, or never feels seen or met, consider branching out to a different flavor of support.

+ Reciprocal relationship -

This is community care!! The relationships that rely on give and take who are often not paid, but instead rely on the reciprocity and strength of the relationship going both ways. These are the relationships where our skills of boundaries, stating our needs and desires are the most important! These are your family members, the besties who help you move, who watch your dog, your kids and pick up after a party with you. Most people have just a handful of these most trusted people.

+ Values-aligned support from a distance –

These are the books, teachers, authors, online educators, podcasts, community gardeners, local businesses and entertainers who support us in all the ways we forget we are supported. Usually with a small energy exchange like an email sign-up, a small payment for education or a coffee purchased at your favorite spot, you’re supported to experience beauty, connection with like-minded and valued-aligned people. Because the people who think and believe like us aren’t always in our nearest proximity, these people can serve as mentors, inspiration, comrades and guides in our lives without even knowing us!

How to identify where you need support -

If you listened to part 2 or read the blog post, you already know that there is programming to un-learn, skills and competencies to gain, standards to uphold in your relationships, your own sovereignty to hold and the values and desires to move from on your pursuit to a life of support.

As you were listening/reading part 2, and as you hear me name it now, what area felt the most support needed?

Another way to ask this that I ask my clients often is: Now that you know the problem (in this case the problem is not having all the support you need or desire) what is the one or two areas that if they were to change, your entire life would rearrange and that problem would automatically be solved?

For example, if you’re realizing you have good girl programming– which looks like good/bad, black and white, either or thinking, lack of boundaries and a need to be “nice” instead of honest, you might see how this programming is the core of why you don’t feel seen and supported in your life. Addressing this programming may be the right next step for you in weaving your web of support.

If you’re realizing you don’t have the relational skill to support the relationships you crave, its a good time to lean into support that helps you learn skills. If you’re lacking skills and competencies in relationship you might be noticing that you’re often experiencing miscommunications, you often ghost or repress your needs and desires, vent to others instead of talking to the person who offended you, you may not know how to feel your feelings, take things personally, run away from conflict or are even steeped in drama.

If you don’t know what your relational standards are, or if they need a refresher, you may be finding yourself giving your energies and attention primarily to relationships that aren’t serving you, where there are people right in your own community who are willing and ready to meet you.

If you don’t believe in your own sovereignty, you may be overlooking your body's needs– which may be as simple as getting the support of a naturopath, seeing a massage therapist regularly or nourishing your body with food that supports you in feeling well!

If you’re realizing that your values and your life do not match, you may need to address this core integrity breach within yourself. If you’re experiencing an integrity breach you may be feeling like a fraud, not doing what you say you will do, avoiding your responsibilities and commitments to yourself or others, feeling like something is “off”, lackluster, or have anger at the self.

All of these also relate to our businesses and creative work too!

1- good-girl programming can contribute to being overly-nice and under-charging in our work.

2- A lack of skills and competencies can mean we are great at our craft, but don’t have the skill to market and sell it, or lead a team. (all of which can be learned)

3- If we don’t have relational standards we may notice our energies going to the wrong places in life and business, leaking energy and taking away from our creativity and profitability.

4- If we don’t feel ours or others’ sovereignty in our work, we may become enmeshed, deny our body's needs and capacities, or on the flip-side even accidentally take advantage of people and use icky marketing that isn’t aligned with choice and integrity.

5- If we haven’t identified our values in business or clarified what we really want, we may be building something and making money in something that will eventually let us down and not fulfill.

Identifying the ONE area that you believe if it would shift, everything else would rearrange around it, will show you where to lean in and find support in that specific area.

This will save you so much time and money!!

There are ample coaches, therapists, healers, biz consultants and more who are not only skilled at the specific area you need to grow in, but are THRILLED at the idea of meeting you there.

My recommendation to my clients and the question I ask on every clarity call with a potential client is this:

WHAT KIND OF SUPPORT ARE YOU MOST CRAVING RIGHT NOW?

Followed by:

WHAT SKILL ARE YOU NEEDING TO GAIN?

WHAT PROBLEM ARE YOU LOOKING TO SOLVE?

I will know quickly if the problems they are experiencing and the desires they have will be supported by my coaching, skills, competencies and expertise.

So before you hire support, you might find value in asking:

Are you needing space held for you as you discover your needs, your soul’s path, remove inner obstacles keeping you from your full expression and live into the fullness of your desires? (This is a sign the support you need is coaching).
Are you deep in a space of needing healing from past wounds? (This is a sign you need a form of healing or therapy).
Are you clear on what you want, but need skills to help you get there? (This is a sign you need education or consulting).
Is there something you need to take completely off your place, that someone else could do better? (This is a sign you need to outsource).
What are the core problem or annoyance in my life that if it was solved, would impact everything else for the better?
What is the area where I lack skill or competency that if I was skilled and competent, would impact everything else for the better?
What is the desired outcome I long to be experiencing?
How do I want this support to feel?
If I was truly MET, how would I know?

Now, if you want to lean into support personally but don’t feel called or ready to lean into paid support I invite you to circle back to Parts 1 and 2 where I shared how I recommend titrating your way into deeper and deeper webs of support centered on your values and desires.

Remember, growing a personal web of support means learning to get your relational needs met, slowly and over time.

You must know and acknowledge your true capacity.

Perhaps like me you need shared expansive embodied experience. You might look for fitness classes or an ecstatic dance class in your community.

Perhaps you need to learn alongside others. This might mean going to free classes in your community, hosting Sunday night dinners at your home or taking a pottery class weekly so relationships start to form.

You might start to engage in free or low-cost online communities that share your values. Many teachers, artists, authors and healers offer this on Patreon and Substack!

Perhaps you need to be connected to elders and nature– have you tried your local community garden?

Perhaps there’s someone at the coffee shop you go to, or the school your kids go to, who you’d love to connect with outside of that shared space. Have you thought about inviting them?

Maybe it’s as simple as asking an already-friend to do errands together once a week to build a deeper bond in the regular-mundane-ness of it all.

Whatever kind of support you’re craving right now, I so hope this 3-part series helped you clarify not only how to get and create support, but how to weave a web of QUALITY SUPPORT in your life.

Remember: this is something that requires you to not only show up, but to show up vulnerable over and over again. Relationships are often our biggest source of wounding, so take your time. As you lean in, you’ll become more and more competent and your web will get more and more supportive.

Goodness is coming for you,

xo, Madison