This is based on my 3 Part podcast series, including -
Part 1 - My own story of how I designed a life of support, having gone from exiled, unsupported and isolated to a robust web of support.
Part 3 – How to hire support & how to lean into the support already available to you

Listen to the podcast episode instead of reading here!

Welcome to Part 2 of Weaving Your Web of Support.

If you haven’t listened to part 1, head there to hear more about my own journey with isolation, exile and slowly cultivating support over 8 years of healing, un-doing harmful ways of relating and finally feeling at home in myself.

Today my aim is to walk you through how to cultivate the foundations of weaving a web of support. We will talk about:

1- what we need to un-learn

2- skills and competencies we need to gain

3- relational standards we can choose to uphold

4- the definition of sovereignty as it relates to support

5- identifying your values and moving from your desires

UNLEARNING:

Our culture, as a result of colonization, is rooted in hyper-individualism, achievement, productivity and extraction. We have been conditioned to see other people as someTHING we can GET something from, just like we take and take and take from the Earth. Akin to a vending machine, or Amazon Prime, we are relating to others by trying to click a button and get what we want… and it’s not working. We, collectively, are more lonely than ever.

Social media has only accelerated this as we can “rebrand” faster than we can embody our truth and someone is only as valuable to us as their ability to agree with us, post inspiring content and meet our needs. (Embodiment coach and author, Jamie Lee Finch and I spoke about this in Episode 18 of the podcast).

What happens when we feel isolated from our communities, our families, and most of all, ourselves because we have to fragment, hide and wear masks to “fit in” and not be rejected?

What happens when we don’t know our neighbors or the people who make our coffee? When we don’t know how to relate to people we love who disagree with us? Or have conflicting needs? Or want something from us we don’t have?

Do we do the things we have learned to do in relationships? EG: shut down, cut out, over-extend ourselves, blame, shame, acquiesce, stay silent, feel abandoned again and again…

OR do we learn a new way, so our relationships can not only be sustainable, but actually sustain us?

Cultivating a robust community of vital support is not only counter-cultural and necessary to build the world we desire, it requires skills, healing and responsibility.

Community is built over time, and supportive community, soulful community, the kind of community I know you most desire, requires more than just shooting the shit and hoping for the best.

My friend, new mom and Root and Ritual author, Becca Piastrelli and I chatted about this on a recent podcast episode: Reclaiming Belonging in the Age of Loneliness.

It is most importantly a commitment to un-do systems of oppression and internalized colonialism that keeps us hyper-individualised, closed off from community, receiving and giving support.

I want to pause and take a moment to acknowledge that I am white, able-bodied, thin, in my 30’s, not married and have no children. At this point in my life I am what most consider well-off and have time-freedom due to being an entrepreneur. My life at this point is deliberately set up for being supported, and due to the privileges I hold, it is easier for me than some to have easy-access to support.

All this, and it’s still been hard.

If you’re in a situation or hold privileges adjacent to mine, you’re probably a person who, despite having more privilege than others, still struggles to find, ask for and receive the support you need.

I have spoken to many folks who say the more privileges they have, somehow the more isolated, void of intimacy, and under-supported they feel. I’ve also spoken to folks who are trapped in what feels like a never-ending cycle of making ends meet, feeding kiddos and doing just enough inner work to keep going.

No matter which experience is closer to yours, I want you to please offer yourself compassion.

Our culture, as a result of colonization, is rooted in hyper-individualism, achievement, productivity and entertainment over community-care, relationship building and spiritual wellness.

Our lineages, our stories, our spiritual and body-based practices have been lost, stolen or forgotten– the very practices that help us remember, cultivate healthy attachments and learn the importance of both individual and shared responsibility in relating.

Truth be told, in many of the conversations I have with people around loneliness, belonging, support and relationship I hear both entitlement (“I should have this/people are failing me”) and helplessness (“I should, but I can’t/I’m scared/I don’t have the energy).

When I look at this from the lens I use in Rising Sovereign, I see a wounding in the way we relate to the feminine.

And of course. In a culture who takes and takes from the Earth for profit, while feeling more disconnected from nature than ever, it makes sense that we feel we “deserve” to receive support, while feeling more disconnected from one another than ever.

We have been conditioned to consume one another on social media and treat relationships like vending machines to get our needs met, and then wonder why we feel starved for nutrition.

When we treat people in this way, it’s no wonder mothers feel overburdened and our essential workers are under-paid (eg: especially those working in traditionally “feminine” roles like caring for children, caring for bodies, caring for the sick, holding space).

Yes, this is a systemic issue. And, the system lives inside of us.

If we want systems that uphold relationship, support and care, we must not only look to the government to make changes “out there,” we must look within our lives and make choices that align to our values.

Did you know that according to Spiral Dynamics author, Ken Wilber, when 10% of the population embodies the same values-based consciousness (like community care, or sovereignty) that it naturally tips the scale over and politics, media and mass cultural consciousness follows?

It only takes 10% of people who are truly living their values, (not just saying them), to change an entire culture.

What might be possible if you started owning your needs, naming them in your closest relationships and receiving the support available to you right now?
Could you sign up for a nourishing free newsletter like this one, or Lisa Olivera, a prolific writer who writes with a compassionate, therapeutic lens?
Could you find a therapist willing to honor sliding-scale?
Could you make the brave ask of seeing if a friend can watch your child for 2-hours so you have alone time once a week?
Could you take the time to rearrange your budget to hire a coach with the skills to actually help you get where you want to go, instead of taking endless courses you never actually finish?
Could you do a work-trade with a local CSA for even an hour a month to both connect to nature and get local fresh produce?
Could you take a look through your text log, your instagram feed, your home and see all the ways you already are supported, and spend 30 seconds really receiving the support you have right now?
Could you find a local (free) AA or ALANON meeting?
Could you open a library card and get all the books you want to read there, perhaps even ask a few folks to start a book club with you?
Could you spend 15 minutes before bed writing out what you honestly need, and then identifying which needs you feel competent, resourced enough and safe enough to ask for or go after?

SKILLS AND COMPETENCIES

We have to learn to cultivate relationships full of reciprocity, community-care and spiritual wellness; this requires tending like a garden, as opposed to the vending machine method, knowing fruit comes after care, nurturance, slowness and trust.

It means we have work to do learning to relate in new ways, expand our capacity for giving and receiving support, and show up consistently over time.

In all of this we must take responsibility for our needs, desires, values and preferences, along with the slow but beautiful journey of weaving a web of support.

Being well supported is a commitment to learning skills. And yes, it requires us to show up.

It is a commitment to knowing your needs.
It is a commitment to growing your capacity to take responsibility for said needs.
It is a commitment to regulating our nervous system
It is a commitment to making positive assumptions and moving from Grace - which is unearned regard for others
It is a commitment to curiosity
It is a commitment to giving and receiving constructive feedback
It is a commitment to showing up in our relationships, which is a commitment to heal our attachment and unworthiness wounds.
It is a commitment to boundaries, and the gruesome work of healing codependency.
It is a commitment to community, and to real relationships (which includes feedback, rejection, hard conversations, receiving love, capacity for intimacy and negotiating).
It is a commitment to being emotionally mature– having resources to pay for support, doesn’t mean you’re actually supported how you need by people skilled to meet your needs, and it also doesn’t mean the people who can meet your needs will always be available to do so.

All of these are skills we must develop and lean into if we want to be engaged in truly supportive relationships.

RELATIONAL STANDARDS

As we discussed in the Rise Higher Root Deeper Ceremony, understanding the layers of support in your life like sacred temple is so helpful.

For those who were not able to attend, let me paint a picture of the Sacred Temple of your life.

The Sacred Temple is an image to help you assess the support systems in your life. In doing this you tap into your personal Sovereignty Blueprint where there is reciprocity, right-space and the support you desire.

Pulling from my biblical studies, the image of Jerusalem’s Temple comes to mind when I think of the layers of access people get to me.

You may think of this in concentric circles, or a constellation where in the middle is you and God/Source (The “Holy of Holies”) and moving outward are layers of access to you depending on quality of relationship, privacy, reciprocity and your personal boundaries.

Because you are the most sacred part of this temple, you get to decide what comes in, and what stays out.

YOUR LIFE IS THE ALTAR AND THE OFFERING - HOLY.

YOU are your sacred temple, and access to your inner sanctuary is a privilege.

YOUR SACRED TEMPLE:

My Inner Sanctuary
My closest relationship(s) and partnerships.
My Inner Circle
My friends, family and colleagues who are lovely
My acquaintances
My practitioners and those who support me professionally
My public life and professional relationships
My larger community
People I don’t know
People who are unsafe for me / strong boundaries

You might ask these questions as you place people among their perspective places in your temple:

And remember, being at level 10 does not mean less love, it means less access.

What are my top 5 relational preferences that cue to me that someone is safe to be in my inner circle? (IE: honesty, self-responsibility, confidentiality, celebration of my power, reciprocity, emotional maturity, I show up fully as myself).
What are my top 5 yellow flags that cue to me that someone isn’t an inner circle person? (IE: lack of responsibility, blame, I notice habits of over-giving, can’t celebrate my accomplishments, pokes fun, misaligned values, etc)
What are my “fuck no’s”? Or as Elizabeth Dialto asked me, “What are your intolerances?” (IE: gaslighting, exploitation, extraction, shame, dishonesty, active addiction, racist/homophobic behavior, I don’t feel safe to be myself, etc). Keep in mind, no one can choose “fuck no’s” for you!

Take a moment to write out the people in your life, and given your guidelines, where they go in your Sacred Temple.

Who would I like to give more attention, appreciation and time to in 2022? Who would you like to create more space with?

SOVEREIGNTY

As I teach in Rising Sovereign, Sovereignty means possessing supreme or ultimate power over oneself. It means to be self-governed so we can belong more deeply together in right-relationship where I am responsible for me, and you are responsible for you.

This is about deep self-knowing, radical self-trust, and living into the fullness, bigness and vastness of your power.

Being sovereign means: remembering your power and learning to manage your energy instead of allowing yourself to abdicate responsibility and “give it away,” no longer diminishing your light, becoming responsible for and cultivating your own joy and becoming the leader of your life, honoring your essence, soul and truth as you lead, parent, create and live your purpose.

In your sovereignty you’ll be able to hold other people’s truths without shame-spiraling, set boundaries that honor your deepest truths, take up all of your space (but not other people’s space) and create from your own source of validation.

This is you rising into your power and reclaiming your rightful space as Queen, King, Majesty and leader of your own life.

Sovereign. Which means you belong to you, and also that we belong together.

Sovereignty Assumes:

Your worth, wholeness and power are innate and no one can take them.
You have choices in how you spend and invest your energies.
You belong to you. Others belong to them.
You cannot change/fix/heal/make choices for others.
You are not more or less worthy than others.
Your contribution to the world is your responsibility.
Your energy is your responsibility.
Your healing and self-care are your responsibility.
Your life is your responsibility.
Internal liberation is key to external liberation.
You are safe inside yourself because you can source from Source.

Sovereign Leadership Assumes: All of this is applied to how you lead, create and relate.

But no matter if you self-define as a leader (even though you ARE even if you don’t name it out loud) owning your sovereignty elevates those you call into your life because suddenly, you’re surrounded by people who can:

Take responsibility for themselves
Who are competent to meet you in your fullness
Who are capable to feeling and containing their emotional experience without projecting onto you
Who are emotionally mature

Whooooa! Suddenly your friend group just elevated. Not in worthiness, but in capacity to hold the good and the challenging together.

You’ll be able to trust the support they give, set boundaries and share you accomplishments and be fully received.

You don’t need to diminish to secure safety, you are responsible for your own boundaries, joy and lead your life in integrity to your Soul.

Rising Sovereign is remembering, rooting into and rising into your power by reclaiming your rightful space as Queen, Majesty and Leader of your own life.

VALUES AND MOVING FROM DESIRE

In my hour-long Visioning Class I teach my step-by-step method for discovering, defining, and creating a plan to live your values in every area of your life.

Your values are the north stars of your life. They are a way your Soul speaks to you about what matters to you, and when you are not living in alignment with your values, you might feel out of integrity, misaligned, frustrated, dull, uninspired, bitter or even have physical distress and illness show up.

To be misaligned with our own integrity comes at a great cost, and if you are lucky, the signs will be obvious and unbearable.

Not that I ever wish pain upon someone, but I do know that when the misalignment is uncomfortable, or a symptom arises, we finally pay attention.

If you have a hankering that you’re not living your deepest alignment in your work, life, health, with your money, or in this case, your relationships, it’s time to clarify your values and bring yourself into congruence– meaning your insides and outsides can finally match.

When we find congruence, life gets easier.

We are no longer split, with our energies going in multiple directions. Our energies are fully behind our actions, and our actions are aligned with our values. The momentum is magnetic and palpable!

I go into the details of how to fully define your values in the Visioning class, which you can purchase at madisonmorrigan.com/shop (link is in the shownotes)

But 2 simple ways to begin getting clear on your values is:

1- THE ANNOYANCE TO ALIGNMENT METHOD: On a piece of paper, write down all the things you’re annoyed by right now. It can be your own behavior or others. On the right-hand side, match each annoyance with what would be full alignment. What value is this annoyance revealing to you?? Narrow these down into 5 core elements.

2- THE ESSENCE METHOD: Who are you when you're at your most alive, lit-up and expressed? What do you care about? What are you doing? What are you feeling? Narrow these down into 5 core elements.

I recommend focusing on 5 core elements for your values.

As I share in the Visioning class, I not only do a full Depth Values Assessment for all my clients, in my programs and for myself personally, but I also do it for my business, because my business is its own entity who serves people through its core values.

Getting THIS clear on what matters to you, you can start to filter your relationships through them. When you meet new people, you can see what values you align on, and where the people in your life already might share or differ in values.

Often when we are not feeling aligned with someone, it’s no one’s “fault” it is simply a case of mis-aligned values. When we accept that some people simply have different values and priorities, it can help it all be less personal and we can accept people, then find people who align more deeply!

This will enable you to center your own desires as you move toward relationships, and away from relationships that don’t have what you most deeply desire.

Now, instead of “cutting people out” or making anyone wrong, you can simply center what you want to GROW!!

So there you have it - 5 layers of competencies I teach and believe are required if we want sovereign, intimate and deeply supportive relationships.

Today we talked about:

1- what we need to un-learn

2- skills and competencies we need to gain

3- relational standards we can choose to uphold

4- the definition of sovereignty as it relates to support

5- identifying your values and moving from your desires

In the first blog in this 3-part series I talked about my own journey with weaving a web of support, and in the next part I’ll be sharing how to identify where you need support, when to invest in professional support such as a coach, therapist or guide, what to look for in you local and online communities and what it really takes to build depth relationships.

See you there!

Goodness is coming for you,

xo, Madison