Heart to Heart: August | The hardest conversation I've ever had
This summer has been amazing for so many reasons. I dove in with a new life coach for the first time since becoming a coach myself, I deepened my relationship with my husband, acknowledged a lot of stuff I was denying in my own life, went on vacation with my closest friends, quit my serving job to devote more time and energy to coaching, and had one hell of an aha moment. Honestly, it’s been a muddled mess of goodness; a lot of self reflection, growth, stepping out of fear, and choosing to love.
All the deep work has dampened my creativity, but as the summer is ending, I am feeling distanced enough from the story to finally share a tidbit of what’s been going on.
A series of events this summer uprooted a deep un-forgiveness I’ve been sitting with since childhood. What began as a tiff with my husband turned into a series of odd dreams, talks with my life coach, and led to the talk I’ve been waiting for my whole life.
I’m tearing up out of pride and healing as I write this, because I never thought a day would come where I felt so free and powerful.
Many of you have read or heard me talk about growing up in a dysfunctional family. I have experienced 5 divorces in childhood, an alcoholic parent, abuse in various forms, and have worked to be healthy and resilient in the face of whatever adversity I faced in my youth.
But even after 2 years of counseling, I realized this summer how I was still being a victim to my story. I had healed, owned, and named the ugly parts of my past, but I had not stepped out of the story and decided to create my own ending. I had never fully forgiven my abusers, never fully released my parents, never fully felt like me.
And I do this for a freaking living!!
I decided to have the conversation.
The conversation I’d been avoiding/longing for my entire life. I faced my biggest fear: owning my truth to the person whose love I craved most as a child, who “wounded” me and in my opinion, caused me so many years of therapy. I chose to own my side, get honest, and forgive both of us for the roles we played in the ongoing pain.
Owning my story took me a step beyond my expectations of healing.
Here are a few of my aha moments in reflection:
-Coming alive is done in layers and in seasons. It takes time, and is a lifelong thing.
-Perfection doesn’t exist.
-Forgiveness is a journey, but when you walk it, freedom really does come.
-Forgiving yourself is a must, even if you were the one abused/hurt/wronged.
-Wait to share your story until you are ready.
-Courageous conversations are freaking hard, but being honest will save you.
If you’re in a season of uprooting, healing, and forgiving, I just want to encourage you to give yourself time. This process can’t be rushed, but do take the steps you need to. When the time comes for a conversation, do it. When the time comes to burn all your childhood journals (like I did), do it. When the time comes for forgiveness, do it.
xx,
-Madison
LINKS:
Here are a few resources on the topic of healing and forgiveness I’ve been chewing on this summer. I hope they are helpful in your journey alive.
Framework for Courageous Conversations by Elizabeth Dialto. Her work on getting real with yourself has vastly shaped what coming alive means to me this summer.
This 5 part podcast on forgiveness offers a great path to follow in your own healing.
The Tony Robbins Documentary, which I've now seen three times, has given me tools and new perspectives in healing.
Lewis Howes had a courageous conversation on his podcast about his childhood rape which helped me see areas of my own story I needed to let go of.