Who would you be if you trusted it was safe to belong?
This Autumn has been one of deep processing for me, as I’ve slowed down, attended a few retreats and have allowed my nervous system to settle into a slower season.
In the space I’ve created over the past couple months, I’ve been processing some big shifts that have occurred for me this year.
You know, casual shifts like getting divorced, dating and falling in love with a woman, and deciding to restructure how I operate my business to one that honors my own reverence for living in personal freedom.
PHEW!
Get ready, I’m about to share a major take-away from this year of transformation.
You see, much of my life has been lived from unconsciously attuning to who others needed me to be so I could create a sense of "belonging."
Assessing the safety of the environment, I would cloak myself in the values of others and dress myself up in the resolution of other people's needs (This, I’ve learned, is not “selflessness,” it’s a trauma response).
Yet, I called this service. I thought it was connection.
I would empty myself so I could hold space for others and gracefully mirror back to them their brilliance or use story to give the appearance of vulnerability without actually letting any walls down. It was devoid of intimacy. I built community this way. I based the entire marketing strategy of my business by over-giving in this way.
It created a life that looked deeply connected.
Dozens upon dozens of friends. Parents who were proud of me but didn't really know the real me. A successful coaching business. Being a called upon and trusted confidant to many. It must have looked like my life was filled and overflowing with intimacy, connection and belonging.
But it wasn't.
I was rewarded for my own self-betrayal. I learned to play the game, and hid my true self away.
I never really believed it was safe to belong as ME.
This programming is ancient; I picked it up in childhood, but I believe it is much older than that. It’s the trauma of our grandmothers and of their grandmothers, learning to belong through their own self-forgetfulness.
If we can only belong by fulfilling the needs, desires and values of others, are we really belonging?
I don’t think so -
Belonging requires room for your whole self.
I've been on this journey home to myself for quite some time now and the layers keep unraveling. Showing me it's safe to belong. It's safe to attune to myself and let myself be seen. It's safe to soften my body and trust my feelings, whether they seem "nice" or not.
I choose to accommodate myself. To belong to myself. To hear myself. To attune to myself. To create safety for myself. To live in my freedom, no matter who chooses to come with me or not.
I trust that in doing so, there are people with whom it will be safe to belong.
It won't be every person. It won't even be the people I wished it would have been. But life keeps proving to me:
When I show up choosing to belong with myself and live in my freedom, I will always find safety with those who also belong freely to themselves.
My love, who would you be if you trusted it was safe to belong?
Would you be able to show up:
Messy?
Human?
With needs?
Willing to be seen and witnessed?
Loved?
Whole?
Awake?
Open?
Freely going after what you want?
Congruent?
Feeling grounded in your truth, purpose and integrity?
Okay, now I know that’s a lot.
It’s been a lot for me to move through, feel and integrate this year. But I am holding these realizations now with appreciation and tenderness for myself and others like never before.
You see, healing doesn’t happen in a vacuum. Healing doesn’t have to be devoid of joy and celebration.
Healing is asking you to claim a life that has always been yours.
One of safety, belonging, authentic connection, power, worth and wholeness.
So love, if you recognize yourself in my story at all...
Take a breath.
Soften.
Ask yourself: Want do I want?
Speak it into existence (Let yourself want it).
Free yourself from those who can't see you.
Let yourself be seen by those who can.
And most of all, learn to see yourself, clearly.
Let me ask it again:
My love, who would you be if you trusted it was safe to belong?
Spend 10 minutes in your journal with that question and see if you can tap into how it would feel just 5% more today.
In freedom, belonging and possibility.
xx,
-Madison
For you…
Call Your Energy Back.
Use this (free) 3-step journal practice and hypnotic meditation to get into a daily routine of embodying your wholeness and living with the power that comes when you belong to yourself.
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