The big cosmic joke: Grace. Everywhere. Absurdly. In abundance.

A month or so ago I was in the midst of deep grief (that really began to compound a heavy dose of self-pity, angry that I had to grieve at all). I began obsessing over the ways I’d felt broken. Misunderstood. Rejected. Unsafe. Not belonging. “I suck. I’m the worst, life isn’t fair!!!!!” is usually how these fits sound. — (it’s usually like this when the ego dies. I find myself advocating for my limitations most when I’m RIGHT on the brink of freedom).

And there she was. There I was. Kicking and screaming my way to wholeness, realizing it could be easier yet still choosing to cling to my old stories.

I knew what was happening. I needed to lay down and feel my body. Get out of the mind and feel. Crying, I pulled out frankincense and went to dab it onto my feet— Scent has a way of grounding me into the present.

As I opened the bottle, still crying, I accidentally dumped the entire bottle over both feet.

YES like the entire thing.

And that’s the big cosmic joke.
Grace. Everywhere.

Absurdly and in abundance.

A humorous amount of grace.

Even in death. Even in darkness. Even in our “ugliest” moments. Even in self-pity. Even as you watch yourself spiraling. Even as you let your heart break. Even (and especially) as you laugh because your old stories want to cling when the grief is ready to leave the body.

So I laughed.

I said “what a waste.”

And I wondered if in that moment Mary winked at me and said, “Welcome sister. You belong with me and the many misunderstood misfits who trusted their own heart. Your faith has saved you.”

And just like that I was born, again.

xx,

-Madison

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