Letting Go So Something New Can Be Born
A Letter to my younger self- a note on growth, divorce and coming “out”
“We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us.”
It’s been a summer of deep personal change, ownership and rising into a version of myself I never dreamt I’d be.
I have let go of a life I planned so as to honor the truth that is rising up within.
It’s been scary.
But more than anything, I have been so held by not only my mentors but also by a deep knowing that life is so for me, that my higher self is guiding me, and if I want to receive the life waiting for me, I must let go of what I had planned.
Sitting in a cafe this week, I wrote a letter to my 20 year old self as a reminder of how sweet surrendering to the “pull” of our soul can be.
A reminder that choosing our Selves
is the bravest, most liberating act.
This is an excerpt of what I wrote:
”Madison, you don't know it yet but you will heal in ways you never knew you were wounded. You'll finally accept yourself as an eccentric, free spirited, bold woman who loves to talk and teach and be creative. Because of your healing, you'll finally uncover real friendship, too.
You don't know it yet, but you're going to choose non-traditional work and your world will turn upside down. You'll work harder for this than you have for anything in your life. 80 hour weeks. Bartering services to get your website off the ground. Bartending, babysitting chickens, catering, doing childcare and feeling so overlooked and less than in exchange for ways to pay for your dream.
You don't know it yet, but the very faith that supports you, sustains you and gives you direction will fall away. You have no clue quite yet how this will be the first big heartbreak of your life, but the loss will resurrect you into a bold, brave and inquisitive woman. You have no idea how your journey through healing your spiritual wounds will cause a ripple effect in everyone's life around you.
You don't know it yet, but leaving the faith was the only way you could find yourself. Oh I wish you could get a glimpse of Who You Really Are.
You don't know it yet but your success will come so quick. So quick you'll be overwhelmed, feel like a fraud, and face your inner demons while it feels others are watching your every move. (Some are… carry on).
You don't know it yet, but their opinions literally do. not. matter. outside of the fact that they trigger you into your own healing by magnetizing your unhealed parts.
You don't know it yet, but making 6 figures is easier than you've been led to believe. You can do it, trust me.
You don't know it yet, but one day you'll be able to hear yourself fully and with ease. Your inner voice is nudging you with the questions and curiosity. Listen!! When something feels off with the church, with people in power, with leaders, with anyone... listen! Your inner compass is strong, loud, and will speak to you. Keep. Listening.
You don't know it yet, but your heart has been broken for a very long time. The walls you've built, the way you push away people who get too close, the fear of being seen.... all of it is your broken heart. It will feel like breaking to let love in because in order for scars to heal correctly, the scar tissue must be removed.
You don't know it yet, but cutting out the scar tissue will mean breaking the hearts of others, being more honest than you've ever been. Your care-taking will end when you finally clear out the dead matter of co-dependence from your cells and move in a new way.
It will hurt, but you'll get free.
You don't know it yet but you’ll close your marriage on your 7th anniversary with ceremony. It will be beautiful and spiritual. You will come to see him as a teacher, a mirror, a lover and a dear friend on your path. The container you created with him allowed for all this magic to unfold. How lucky are you?
You don't know it yet, but a woman will come into your life and shake up everything you thought you knew about love. Trust what you feel in your body when you meet her. The signs will be there; hives, a racing heart, movement you've never felt. You will fall in love with her.
Through her gaze you will heal your own. You will fall in love with yourself.
You don’t know it yet, but you’re still becoming someone you’re currently afraid to be. Don’t brace yourself
This journey will be made of the scariest and somehow, the easiest choices you’ve ever made.”
There is still so much I don’t know, haven’t said and cannot predict. But this I know:
No matter what I am called to, I will choose myself with reverence.
When life asks me to pivot and change my plans, I will listen.
When it doesn’t make sense and others turn up their noses, still, I will listen.
When my body tells me what is true, I will listen.
When my soul comes calling, I will listen.
And I will honor every version of myself in the process.
Thanks so much for letting me share my lessons in self-remembering with you.
If you could write your 20, 30, or 40 year old self a letter that begins with, “You don’t know it yet but…” what would you write?
Journal in the privacy of your own space and if you feel led tag me in an instagram post. I’d love to read your story.
xx,
-Madison
For you…
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